Unbreakable
by annieDD
Summary: Sequel to Unnamed. In order to understand, you probably should read Unnamed, since Unbreakable starts where Unnamed ended. Aoife Murphy is a kick ass FBI BAU SS agent. Good at her job, and in love with Mick Rawson, an FBI agent too. Aoife and Mick were in the middle of planing their wedding when an work related accident put Mick's life in danger. For more details, start reading :)
1. Chapter 1

**Ok guys, this is it. Unbreakable. I left you with a huge cliffhanger in Unnamed. Aoife was planning her wedding, something that she thought will never happen. And Mick got shoot. This picks up from the very last moment in Unnamed. Please, read, follow, review, favorite. Love you all :) **

With the corner of my eye, I could see that JJ picked up my cell from the ground. I wanted to do it myself, but I wasn't able to. I could just stare in front of me.

This is not how it was supposed to be. Not like this. Not him, not Mick. Not me. I was supposed to have my happy ending. I was supposed to marry him, and to let him convince me once more. Let him convince me that we should have a family. I was supposed to juggle between the job I love and my family life. I was supposed to be happy. I was never supposed to get this call.

I knew it could happen. I knew it. And Mick could have gotten that call as well. Our jobs are not exactly the safest jobs in the world. It can happen to anyone. I just didn't see it happening to me.

I felt someone touching me. It was JJ. She was no longer on the phone with Sam. She was trying to shake me out of the shock I just fell in.

-Aoife!-she finally yelled, and I snapped out of it.-He's alive. They're taking him to the hospital.-

-Right… hospital.-I said. I snapped out of it, for real this time.-I need to get there!-I said in panic.

-I'll drive.-said Morgan. I didn't even notice him there. Come to think of it, I didn't even notice that the rest of the team was here as well. It feels like I blacked out for a couple of seconds. But now I'm back. And I was running after Morgan.

The ride to the hospital were the shortest couple of minutes in my entire life. I never thought about it, but I never would have imagined that time passes fast in situations like this.

One minute, I was running to the car. The next minute, I'm running through the hospital hallways.

-Sam!-I yelled, as soon as I saw him.-Where is he?-I yelled. I didn't give a damn about the regulations.

-He's in surgery.-he said. I took a deep breath. I'm not sure whether that is a good thing or not. At least he's alive.-I'm not going to lie to you Aoife. It's bad.-he said, and I nodded. I couldn't stop nodding.

-What the hell happened?-Morgan asked, since he saw that I wasn't able to.

-We were on a case. It was supposed to be a regular arrest. Mick was just being a hero.-Sam said.

-Yeah, they have that it common.-Morgan said quietly. He had never really forgiven me for that move I made during and arrest, when I switched places with a woman, and had a knife on my neck.

-What did the doctors say?-I asked. Mick is more important than anything else.

-That they're doing the best they can.-Sam said, and I nodded. Again, I couldn't stop nodding my head.-Aoife, I'm sorry.-Sam said, and I just kept nodding. I might as well sit down. This is going to be a long day.

JJ, Emily, Garcia, Spence, Hotch and Dave all left their work and had come her to the hospital, to be here for me. As did the rest of Mick's team, Sam, who was by his side when it happened, Prophet, Gina and Beth. They all asked me how I'm feeling and I didn't really knew the answer.

I find it sad and funny at the same time. They were all supposed to be guests on our wedding. That's us. The most important people in our lives are out team members. And they feel the same way, that's why they are here.

After two hours of just sitting in the waiting room, I was beginning to feel annoyed. I needed a cigarette so badly, words couldn't describe it. But I didn't leave. I would never forgive myself if… I just can't.

Three hours. Four hours. Five hours. And during the sixth hour, Sam jumped. He is the only one who knows how Mick's doctor looks like. So when he jumped, I jumped too.

-How is he?-I asked.

-Are you family?-the doctor asked suspiciously.

-She's his fiancée. Soon to be wife. And the rest of us are colleagues. We are family.-Sam said coldly.

-How is he?-I asked again. If he makes me ask one more time, I'll break every bone in his body.

-The surgery went well.-the doctor said, and I took a deep breath.-It wasn't without complications, but he is alright now. It will be a long recovery, since the bullet got in contact with his lung. Ma'am, your fiancé is one lucky man.-he said, and a small smile was on my face. I didn't allow myself to feel happy just yet. It happened once before, with my father. The doctors told me that he will be fine. He died 30 minutes later. So no one can blame me for having my doubts, and not jumping out of pure happiness.

-When can we see him?-I asked. I need to see him. I need to see that he's alive.

-He's still asleep. But I guess you can go and see him.-the doctor said. I guess that something in my facial expression made him change his mind. He could probably see that I won't go down that easily.-But only one by one.-he added before all of us could run to Mick's room.

-Aoife.-all of them said, in sync. I smiled. But I also nodded, and followed the doctor to Mick's room.

I'm a strong girl. I saw a lot of things, and I somehow managed to remain normal. And I have to admit, nothing I saw before could compare to the sight I was looking at now.

Ever since Sam called me, I was on the verge of tears. I don't know how, but I managed to keep it together. Until I saw Mick. I just couldn't hold back the tears. Not anymore.

That was my guy. Lying on the hospital bed, pale as a sheet, with all sorts of tubes attached to him. And I was so used to seeing his beautiful smile. I miss that smile. Without that smile, he just doesn't seem that real to me. I know that's him. Even if he doesn't look like himself.

I squeezed his hand. I need him to make it through this. I need him in my life. If I lose someone again, if I lose him… that would be the end of me. And I'm not that selfish. I'm not just thinking about myself. I'm thinking about the rest of the world.

This world needs Mick. It needs his sexy accent, his stupid jokes, his loud laughter, his dedication, his abilities and his nonexistent ability to give up.

I sat down on a chair next to his bed. And I just continued squeezing his hand, hoping that in some weird and freaky way he could feel it, and that it might give him a motivation to wake up.

A girl can hope, right? Right now I think that hope is the only think I got left.


	2. Chapter 2

I had a dream that I was shot. When the bullet hit my chest, I jumped. And I opened my eyes. It wasn't me that got shot. It was Mick. How could I even forget that that had happened?

He still didn't wake up. It's been five hours since the surgery was over, and he didn't even move. Yes, the doctor told me that he was going to be fine, but I would fell a hell of a lot better if he would just open his eyes or something. I won't believe it until I see it. I guess that's my curse.

As I was sitting there and doing nothing, I realized that my team and Mick's team are probably still in the waiting room. I didn't want to leave Mick, but I knew I had to. At least for a minute or two.

They were all there and they all jumped from their seats as soon as they saw me. Yes. They are our family. There was no other way to explain their dedication. After almost 11 hours, they are still here.

-He's ok. The nurses say that he's stable, whatever that means.-I said quietly.-You can go home and get some rest. We will be here tomorrow.-I said, even if I knew that they will complain instantly.

-If you think we're going home, you're crazy.-Beth said. As always. Her tongue is as long as mine is.

-No, you are.-Sam said before I could say anything.-Someone needs to go to work tomorrow. I will stay here, but you need to get some rest.-he said. So, that solves the problem with Mick's team.

-That goes for you guys too.-Hotch said quietly.-Someone needs to show up there tomorrow.-he said.

-We're not leaving Aoife and Mick!-Garcia said. Oh, someone has the courage to stand up to Hotch.

-We're not going anywhere.-Emily confirmed. And I could just smile at them. I would do the same thing if they were in my place, but still, the gesture means a lot to me.

-You should at least take shifts.-Hotch suggested. They exchanged looks, and nodded.

-Guys, you don't need to, but if you want to, I'm not going to push it.-I said quietly.-I'm going back to Mick.-I said, and I left, before they could stop me. I can't handle being away from him. Not now.

He still didn't move, or wake up. And he's starting to worry me.

I couldn't sleep anymore. I didn't want to sleep last time, but my needs were stronger than me.

But I couldn't look at him either. I'll twitch on every breath he takes, hoping that he will wake up, and my hopes will fall down again as soon as he doesn't.

Sam came in to see him, but didn't stay for too long. Hotch, who was obviously taking the first shift, came to check on both of us. He asked me if I needed anything, and when I asked him to, he got me coffee. Every half an hour or so, one of them will come to check if I needed anything. Than they would leave, probably not wanting to interrupt a private moment. But there was no private moment to interrupt. It was just me, hoping that my future husband opens his eyes soon.

I wish that I was in his place, but I don't wish he was in mine. I would rather be fighting for my own life than watch him do the same thing, but I would never wish him to feel what I feel now. And I know he would if it were me on that bed, and not him.

This is why I usually don't let new people in my life, let alone love them. Everyone I love seems to leave to soon. My brother, my father… even my mother left, although she didn't die. Dave left too. When he left my aunt, he left my family, and he left me. The only reason we are this close is because I didn't let him run away from me too. But people leave. As soon as I start to love them, I put them in danger.

-That wall's pretty interesting, eh love?-

I looked to Mick. I still wasn't sure. His eyes were open, and he had a small smile on his face, but I still didn't move, because I wasn't sure whether I was hallucinating or he actually woke up.

-I don't mean to complain, but I did expect a hug.-he said with his signature smile. And I started crying.

-Aoife, calm dawn.-he said, but I shook my head. I was crying like I never cried before in my life. I kneeled on the floor, and I squeezed his hand as strong as I could.-I'm alright love.-he said.

-You scared the shit out of me.-I was barely able to say, since I was still crying like a little baby.

-It won't happen again.-he said, and I laughed.

-It better not.-I said and I leaned to kiss him.-I have to go get the doctor. Just, stay awake.-I said, and he nodded. I ran out. I think I screamed for the doctor, since they all started running towards me. When they saw a smile on my face, Hotch and Sam knew he was alright. And they both hugged me.

The results have shown that Mick isn't all healthy as he seemed to be. But the doctor said that it all was under control. I'm not sure what to think about that. All that I know is that he's awake. He's making jokes, although I can see that it takes him more effort than usual. He was weak and tired, but I could see that he's doing his best. Just to make me feel better. It didn't work, but I pretended it did.

-Aoife, you should go home.-he said with a small smile.-I'm fine, and you need some rest.-he said.

-I'm fine too.-I said with a smile. I won't leave him until he's cleared to go back home.

-Aoife, he has a point.-Spencer told me. I would have punched him, if I didn't love him as much as I do.-Go home, take a shower, maybe even a nap. Sam and I will be here.-he said. I took a deep breath.

-Could you give us a minute?-I asked, and with a nod of his head, he left the room.-I don't fell ok about leaving you here. Not even for a hour.-I admitted to Mick. I'm not ashamed to admit it.

-Babe, you have to.-he said.-I'll be fine. Doctor genius won't let me close my eyes for a second, and I believe the doctors here are doing a good job.-he said with a small smile. I didn't laugh.

-You'll be up when I return?-I asked, and he nodded.-I'll just get some clothes and take a shower.-

-Only if you think of me during that shower.-he said with a smile and I couldn't help but laugh.

-You're one sick bastard, you know that?-I asked, and he smiled. Laughing would probably hurt him.

-Well, I am at the hospital.-he said, and I laughed.-Aoife, I love you, you know that?-he asked.

-I hope so, since you will marry me in two weeks.-I said, and he smiled.-I love you too.-

-I think I love you more.-he said, and I laughed.

-Don't start that debate, you have no chance on winning.-I said.-I never thought I would want to get married. But I want that with you. I want everything with you. I don't say it as much as I should.-

-But I know it. You know, you don't say you love me every day, but I can see it in your eyes. And that makes me the happiest man on this fucking planet.-he said, and I laughed.

-I love you.-I said with a smile, and I left his room. Spence and Sam were waiting outside.-I'll go home for a quick shower and a change of clothes. I'll be back in no time.-I said, and they nodded.

-We'll keep an eye on him, don't worry.-Sam said, and I smiled.

JJ drove my car to the hospital, in case I needed it. She also took care of Bon Jovi. The little guy shouldn't be alone for so long.

When I entered our home, I saw that nothing has changed in the past, I don' know, 24, 36, 48 hours? Like we were just working across the country. Nothing here said that Mick was shoot and that he almost died.

I didn't feel as comfortable here as I usually do. I guess that without him here, it just doesn't feel the same.

I took a long shower, and I changed in my gray sweatshirt and trainers. He may not be attracted to me when he sees me, but at least I'll feel comfortable.

I sat on the bed and I looked at our picture that was on the nightstand. Two months ago, he convinced me to take a vacation. We went to the Bahamas for 7 days. And it was like heaven. I miss that.

We look so happy in that picture. No, we look happy all the time. We're a happy couple.

An irritating noise woke me up. I jumped out of the bed. It was dark. It was night already. I've fallen asleep. I should have gone to the hospital before that happened.

-Shit!-I yelled at myself. Then the irritating noise. It was the doorbell.-I'm coming!-I yelled.

I ran across the living room. And I opened the door. It was Spencer.

-What are you doing here Spence?-I asked in surprise.-I fell asleep. Stupid, I know.-I said, but then I saw the look on his face. I don't know how I didn't see it before.-No.-I whispered.

-Aoife, I'm sorry.-he said with tears in his eyes. I took a step back. I think I can't breathe.

-No. No. No. NO!-I yelled as louder as I could. No. This is not how it's supposed to be. No.

**I'm so so so so so so so so so so so sorry for doing this. Don't hate me. And if you do, I understand because I hate me too. I cried my eyes out while I was writing this. I'm so sorry, but it had to be this way. Since I started writing, I knew that this is going to happen. But as strange as it sounds, I grew closer to the idea of Aoife and Mick being a happy couple. I had my doubts, but I decided to stick to the original idea. Mick will be missed. :'(**


	3. Chapter 3

I had no idea what was happening. I just stood in the hallway of our house, and I couldn't move. Spencer was saying something to me, but I couldn't even look at him. And when he hugged me, I didn't hug him back. Not because I didn't want to. It was because I couldn't move. I couldn't even move.

He was still talking very fast, and I started to pay attention to what he was saying. It might be important.

-I think he went into some sort of shock. They pulled Sam and me out of the room, and when they came back, they said that they did everything they could. Aoife, I'm so sorry.-he said. Now, I was shaking.

-He's dead? Mick's dead? My fiancé is dead? The love of my life is dead?-I asked, and he didn't say anything. Now that I could move and speak, I hugged him as hard as I could. I needed to lean onto something, and that something was Spencer. I was about to faint. I don't know why I didn't. I just…

-I need to see him.-I said, when it dawned on me that I will never see Mick again. Tears still didn't stop.

-Aoife, I don't think that's such a good idea.-Spencer said quietly, and I shook my head when he did.

-I know it's not a good idea, but I have to.-I said. He stared at me.-I'm never going to see him again.-I said while tears were pouring down my face.-I have to see him one last time.-I whispered.

-Ok.-he said. I couldn't think. I just ran out of the house, and to his car. God, when someone tells you that your fiancé died, the last thing you can think of was to bring the cellphone with you.

I was so much in shock that I noticed things other than the pain I felt. I can't imagine what this must feel like to Spencer. He doesn't know how to deal with me. And even when I'm crying my eyes out, I'm still trying to calm myself down, to spare him. But I can only do so much.

Mick's gone. How can I come to terms with that? He was fine just hours ago. He smiled and he joked and he told me he loved me. And now, I lost all of that. In just a second. My life is gone along with his.

-I'm going to… I'm going to have to prepare a funeral. I don't know how to do that.-I whispered.

-We will help you. You're not alone.-he said, but I shook my head. Yes, I am. I'm more alone than ever.

-And the wedding.-I said, and I took a deep breath between my tears.-I will have to cancel it. I can't get married if my fiancé is dead. I have to call everyone. They don't even know he's…-I tried, but I couldn't.

-I'll call them.-Spence said. I could barely see his face because of the tears that filled my eyes, but from what I could see, he was sad. Because of Mick, and because of me.-You're not alone.-he said.

I couldn't confront him, but I knew the truth. I am alone. I lost the only person that loved me completely unconditionally. He loved all of my virtues, and he loved all of my flaws even more. And I love him.

How can I continue? How? And why? Someone needs to give me a reason, and they need to give it to me soon, because right now, I don't see any reasons why I should be alive. He's not here anymore.

I didn't run through the hospital now. I had no reason to. I walked very slowly. Step by step. I saw Sam. The look in his eyes… I could never describe it. I might have lost the love of my life, but he lost a best friend. In my book, that's an equal. He hugged me, but I didn't hug him. Yet again, I could barely move.

-Ma'am.-I heard a voice behind me, and I turned. It was Mick's doctor.-We did everything we could. I'm terribly sorry.-he said. I nodded. I want him to break him in half. He was the one who assured me that Mick will be alright, and now he's expressing his condolences. He's lucky I can control my impulses.

-I need to see him.-I said, and I took a deep breath when I saw the look on his face.-Less than a day ago, we stood here, on this very place, and you assured me that he was going to be fine. The least you can do to me is to let me see him. I think I deserve that much.-I said. My words took him by surprise, and my guess was that they actually hurt him. He nodded, and walked away. And I just followed him.

He left me by the door. I nodded to him before he walked away. I hesitated, but I opened the door, and I walked in. He was lying on the table, with a sheet that covered him to his neck. His eyes were closed.

It was like he was asleep. I wanted to shake him, and to kiss him, thinking that might wake him up.

But it won't. He wasn't asleep. He was dead. Gone. Gone, and never coming back.

-Why?-I asked quietly. Who was I asking? Myself? Mick? God? I have no idea.-You promised me.-I whispered while I approached the table. I took his hand. The coldness made me cry even more. He is really dead.-What am I supposed to do know?-I asked. Tears were falling down my face, and even if I tried, I couldn't control it. I put my head on his cold chest, but there was no heartbeat to listen to.

-We were supposed to get married.-I said quietly. I pulled away, so that I could look in his beautiful face. I need to remember it. Someday, I probably won't remember his sexy accent, but at least I could remember his face.-You know, suburbia life. That was supposed to be our life. I wouldn't exactly be a housewife, but we could have managed it. You, me, Bon Jovi, two kids. Luca and Zoe. When I was a kid, I picked those names for my kids. When I got older, I thought I will never have them, but when I met you, you made me change my mind. Over and over again.-I said, and yet again, tears got the best of me.

Why did this have to happen to him? Why him? He is a good man. No. He was a great man. Past tense.

-How am I supposed to do this without you?-I asked.-I may be alive, I may continue living, but for all tense and purposes my life ended with your death. The only reason why I haven't blown out my brains already is because I know you wouldn't want me to. You kept me alive, but what for?-I asked.

I don't know how long I was in this room. With him. But I knew I had to go out eventually. Leave him.

-I'll always love you.-I said as I stood up. I caressed his face.-You changed me forever Mick Rawson. And I will never forget you. I will never stop loving you.-I whispered quietly in his ear, like he could hear me. Then, I kissed his cold lips, for one last time. I caressed his face, for one last time. And I smiled at him for one last time. And I walked away.

I walked slowly down the hallway that led to the waiting room where Spencer and Sam were waiting. I couldn't think, I just… I just walked. That's all I could do.

As soon as they saw me, they jumped. And they were not alone. Dave, Garcia and Morgan were here too. I saw the sadness in their eyes, the pity, the grief. They lost a friend. But I lost my life.

Dave was the one who approached me. He was crying. My tears caused his tears.

-I lost him.-I whispered.-Dave, I lost him.-I cried, louder this time. I broke down. This time, for real. He grabbed me before I could hit the ground. They felt my pain, and they cried. Morgan cried to. I remember him asking me a question, that eventually made me realize that I want to marry Mick. He asked me what would he say to him if something happened to me, if I died.

I don't know what he would say to him, but I know that no words could ever help me. The only thing I can think about is that I lost him, and that I don't know what to do next. I was planning a wedding, I'm not ready to plan a funeral. I don't even know if I can come back to our house. Everything will remind me of him, every step of the way. I can never run away from that.


	4. Chapter 4

Dave, Hotch, JJ, Garcia, Morgan, Spence and Emily were all sitting with me in our living room. And no one was talking. I think that there were no words for us to say. They stayed with me all night long. And they slept on shifts, but not on purposely. It just happened that one of them was awake, and was sitting with me in complete silence. Every now and then, one of them, usually JJ, would step outside. She is good and her job, and she basically took it on herself to organize the funeral. I had no idea how to do that. I could just sit there, and stare. I didn't shed a tear since we left the hospital. I just couldn't. I doubt there were any more tears left in me. All I could think of were the "what if's".

What if he wasn't shot? What if he took a day off today? What if it was someone else? What if we had the wedding a week ago? What if, what if, what if? That kind of thinking isn't good, but I don't even care. I think it's going to take me a lot of time before I can care again. About anything.

-Aoife?-JJ asked, and she startled me. It was so silent.-I've arranged anything. The funeral will be held this Saturday.-she said, and I nodded. I was thankful beyond words, but I couldn't speak. Not yet.

-JJ?-I asked, after a couple minutes of silence.-Sam told me that Mick left him a letter, in case he… just in case. So I guess he will tell me whether he wanted to be buried or cremated.-I said, and she nodded.

-I'll make the changes if I need to.-she said, and I nodded. I love them, and I felt comfortable being in the room with my friends. But I hate being in the room full of profilers. I really do. I know how they're thinking. And they are thinking that I'm doing this the wrong way. I know how grief is supposed to go. Hell, I studied it at one point. And I'm not doing it by the book. I'm not talking about it at all, even if I know I should. I just can't. And I know my team. They are going to try to make me talk about it.

-Guys, you can go home.-I said, and I even managed to smile. A small smile, for a split second.-I'll be fine. I won't blow my brains out, and I won't fall apart.-I said. I'll be alone at some point. I'll be alone for the rest of my life. With no Mick, even if I have thousands of people around me, I will feel alone.

-You shouldn't have to go through this alone.-Hotch said quietly.

-No.-Garcia said harshly, and we all turned to her.-I know you're going through a horrible time right now. The worst time of your life. And I can't even imagine how you must be feeling. But I do know that you will probably feel worse if we weren't around. So don't try to chase us away, because it's not going to work.-she said. I've known Garcia for what, 7, 8 months? And never before have I seen her so determined. She spoke her mind, and there is no way I can convince her to change her decision.

-Ok.-I said quietly. Morgan said it a couple of times, and I can confirm, there is no stopping that woman.

-I think you should get some sleep. You haven't slept for almost two days.-Emily said quietly.

-I slept a couple of hours.-I replied. But I saw the look on their faces. They were worried. It would calm them down if I get some rest. And if I'm not able to, I can at least pretend.-I'll try.-I said, and I got up.

There are seven people in my living room, and by what I could see, they don't plan on leaving any time soon. So I should just forget all about it, and give up the fight.

It was different when I got to be alone. The loss seemed bigger. Mick's presence was stronger. I stood there, by the door, and I looked over to the bed. I'm sure his pillow still smells like him.

Even knowing that what I'm about to do was wrong, I couldn't help myself. I went over to the closet, and I took out one of his shirts. My common sense told me to stop it, but my heart just wouldn't listen.

I took of mine, and I put on his shirt. Yes, it smelled like him. I wonder when will the smell start fading away. I know it will eventually. It always does.

I slept on his side of the bed. Again, I couldn't help myself. And I still didn't cry.

When I opened my eyes, it didn't take me a couple of seconds to remember what had happened. How could I ever forget? When I rolled to my side, I saw that framed picture of the two of us, on vacation. And I smiled when I remembered that moment.

_-A little bit to the left!-Mick yelled, and I looked at him with disbelief. _

_-Will you just take the damn picture already? I've been posing here for half an hour.-I said, but with a smile on my face. This may be annoying, but at least I'm here with him. That's good enough for me. _

_-You know, I think I finally found the phrase that describes you the best.-he said as he walked toward me. _

_-Oh yeah, and what is that? Bitch?-I asked with a smile on his face, and he laughed. _

_-Of course not. You're perfectly imperfect.-he said and I smiled. He could always confuse me easily. _

_-I'm not sure if that's a compliment or an insult.-I admitted, and he laughed. _

_-A compliment you… crazy lady.-he said, and I laughed. _

_-Give me the camera.-I said, and he handed it to me.-Since you're incapable of taking a photo, we should just take a stupid selfie.-I said. He hugged me from the back, his hands on my waist and his head on my shoulder. I smiled, and took the picture. When I turned around the camera around, it was perfect. _

_-See?-I asked, feeling proud.-That's how you take a picture.-_

_-Yeah, yeah, you're the best.-he teased, and I turned around. I put my hands on his face, and I pulled him down for a kiss. He was laughing while he was kissing me. Idiot. _

_-I don't know why I love you.-I said when I pulled away. _

_-Neither do I.-he admitted, and I laughed.-Let's go back to the beach.-he said, as he took my hand. _

I didn't want the team to know I was crazy enough to wear his clothes, so I changed before I joined them. They were all still here, sitting in the living room. Emily, Garcia and Spence were asleep, JJ was on the phone, and Morgan, Hotch and Uncle Dave all jumped up when they saw me come into the room.

-I'm fine.-I said in a low voice. I didn't want to wake up them. They needed rest more than I did.

-How are you feeling?-Dave asked me. There was so much meaning to his question. He wasn't just asking about my physical state. I actually think he's more worried about my psychological state.

-Better, now that I got some sleep.-I admitted, and he didn't say anything else.-I'll make you guys some coffee.-I said and I went to the kitchen. I don't know whether I wanted to have company or not. I'm not sure. It helps me to know they are here, but when they all look at me like I'm a bomb that will blow up any second, I don't exactly feel comfortable. I guess that one goes with the other in these cases.

The water didn't even boil before one of them joined me in the kitchen. This time it was Morgan.

-Hey.-I said quietly, because I think someone had to say something, to spare us the awkwardness.

-How are you?-he asked. Again, a question with so many possible answers. And I don't know any.

-I don't know I guess.-I said quietly.-This is the first time that I'm actually going through this in this way. When my father died, my grandparents took care of everything, and when my brother died, I just spent days and days not leaving my room, so I didn't exactly witnessed this part of grieving.-I said.

-Everyone has their own way of dealing with it. There is no right or wrong.-he said in a low voice.

-I guess so.-I said. And then it dawned on me.-I didn't call my grandparents. And they think that they are coming here in a couple of days for the wedding.-I said. What should I do now?-Could you prepare the coffee while I call them?-I asked, and Derek nodded.-Thanks.-I said and I walked out of the kitchen. The only reason I wasn't running to get my cell was because I didn't want to worry the members of "Aoife watch" that were sitting in the living room. So I just walked to my bedroom.

I picked up my cellphone, and I called my grandparents, who live in Drogheda, Ireland.

-Hello?-my grandmother answered, and my heart just dropped.

-Hey grams, it's me, Aoife.-I said. I tried, but I couldn't really smile.

-Oh, hi honey.-she said, and I could just imagine the smile on her face.-I was going to call you today. There are things I wanted to talk to you about. If you're going to wear a leather jacket to your own wedding, it might as well be a good leather jacket…-she started. She won't stop any time soon.

-Grams, there's no wedding.-I said before she could continue talking. I just… I just blew up right now.

-What the hell happened?-she asked when she realized that I wasn't joking around with her.

-Mick got hurt while he was on the field. He got shot actually. He had a long surgery, and after that, he was ok. He woke up and all. And when I got home to take a shower, my colleague showed up and told me that Mick died.-I said. This was the first time I was telling the story. It didn't feel right.

-Oh honey… I'm so sorry.-she said, and even through the phone, I could hear that she was crying.

-I'll be fine. Right? It's not like I haven't lost anyone before, right?-I asked, even though I knew she wouldn't have the answers to my question. I just had to ask someone.


	5. Chapter 5

I was sitting on the edge of the bed. Staring blankly in the distance. Probably looking like a maniac.

For the past hour, I was just sitting there. The only movement I made was to change the song that was playing on the player. Well, not change it, but repeat it, time and time again. Johnny Cash. He wasn't usually my number one pick, but You are my sunshine was the current soundtrack of my life.

I still wasn't crying. Haven't shed a tear for days now. I was incapable of it. Someone might even think that I'm not sad at all. But it's not all in the appearance, is it? A heart can be broke even if it's not written all over someone's face.

I looked over to my closet. A simple, black dress was hanging over it. Black shoes with a very small heel were placed underneath the dress. I'm going to feel like a clown while wearing it. Mick and I didn't exactly talk about the funeral dress code, but I know he would love it if I would pull of a stunt, like go there in my Rolling stones T shirt. But I'm not going to do it. It doesn't seem right.

My grams picked out the simple black dress. Even though I tried to stop them, both she and gramps didn't want to hear it, and they flew out her on the first flight from Dublin.

I can't say I'm not grateful. It's been a year since I last saw them, and their support means a lot to me. But I can't help and not think about the fact that they were supposed to be here for a wedding.

One more time, I pressed repeat. As soon as the song was finished, I started getting ready.

Going through the motions is a phrase that probably describes me the best at this point. It felt as if my body was moving on its own accord, like my mind had nothing to do with it. I got dressed, and then I went to the bathroom, to see if anything on me needed some fixing up.

If I had any emotions left in my, my own reflection would have scared the shit out of me. But I was just staring at it, confused and perplexed. It's amazing and scary how much a person can change in just a few days. I look like a ghost. Pale, with dark circles under my eyes. And the eyes… I never used to think that I was beautiful and breathtaking. I thought I was average, but that my only assets were my eyes. The dark brown color and shine. But now, my stare was just empty. My eyes were the eyes of a person who has nothing left to lose, because I already lost everything.

I snapped out of it and started brushing my hair. I tied it into a low ponytail. Since I wanted to prevent any possible malfunctions, I didn't put on any make-up. And for real, who does put on make-up when they go to a funeral?

I was about to leave the bedroom, when an idea crossed my mind. I wanted to change my clothes so badly, because I wanted to get a chance to wear the jeans, t shirt, leather jacket and convers I was supposed to wear to my own wedding. But the dress is much more appropriate.

Instead of going either way, I made a compromise. I stayed in the dress, but I put my leather jacket on.

And finally, I made myself walk out of the loneliness of my bedroom.

My grandparents were waiting for me, grams in a black dress of her own, and gramps in a suit. As soon as they were in D. C., Hotch and the rest of the team decided to lower down "Aoife watch". They would still check on me, but they weren't camping in my living room.

I understand their reasons. If one of them was in my place, I would do the same thing. But in the same time, I need to deal with this in my own, unusual way.

-Are you ready?-Gramps asked me, and I smiled.-Yeah, wrong question.-he said, and I actually laughed.

-Don't worry about it. I would rather have these slightly awkward moments than to have people walking on eggshells whenever I'm around.-I said, and they smiled.-Let's go.-I said. Grams took my hand and we walked out of mine and Mick's house. Well, I guess it's just mine now.

They were there when dad died, they were there when Colin died, and they are here now. I remember, even when they were dealing with the death of their only son, and their grandson, they still had the strength to take care of me in the process. I'm more grateful than words could ever express.

The drive to the cemetery was… Those were one of the worst 10 minutes of my life, without a doubt. I kept thinking that I'm not allowed to break down, because I had some stupid protocol to follow. The death protocol. It's sad and funny at the same time how grief is a day to day job on its own.

A lot of people showed up. I knew why.

Sam and I were the only ones sitting in the first row. Behind us was the rest of Mick's team, and my team. And my grandparents. The only family Mick and I ever had, to be honest.

I felt like a robot. So many people telling me the same think. That they're sorry. Like it was their fault. They told me that I need to be strong, that I can handle it, and that Mick was a good man. All the things I already knew. But I nodded, shook hands and forced small smiles. They had the best intentions.

I almost pretended that this isn't Mick's funeral. The coffin was in front of me, but it was closed, so in my mind, it might as well be empty. Of course, I knew he was in there. But it felt surreal.

Mick was never a religious person, so there was no priest. Just friends and colleagues. He wanted it that way. He left Sam two "just in case" letters. One was for me, and I hadn't read it yet. And the other one was regarding the funeral. Mick wanted to be original to the very and.

Sam spoke first. I had to gather all of my strength so that I won't break down. I have plenty of time to do it later, not in front of all these people, a tight mixture of family and strangers.

He talked about Mick, what kind of person he was. It made me smile a little bit. But then it was my turn.

I used to say that I don't have the fear of public speeches, but I never had a fiancées funeral in mind. I felt the stare of at least 70 people on me as I walked up to stand next to the coffin. Next to Mick.

-When Mick and I met, I was a very off-putting person. You know what? I'm not going to sugarcoat it. I was a bitch.-I said, and silent laughter filled the air.-Yup, I was a self-centered bitch. My guess is that he saw that from a mile away. But it still didn't stop him. I never really found out what made him come over to me, start a conversation with me. But at the end of the day, it doesn't really matter, does it? The important thing is that he did it.-I said, and I took a deep breath.-Slowly and very much under the radar, Mick got under my skin. He had a way of doing that without getting detected. By the time I realized what happened, it was too late. At that point, I knew I didn't want to spend another day without him.-I said. I could hear sobs from the crowd, and it took me a couple of seconds to control my own.-Mick was one of those persons who walk into your life and just change it. He did that not only to me, but to everyone who knew him. He was one goofy son of a bitch.-I said, and they laughed again.-My apologies for the language, but I know he wouldn't give a rat's ass about it. His jokes, his great come backs, his smile, his Welch charm card he played so well… those are the things I will never forget. I have no reason to do so, but even if I wanted to, I could never forget Mick Rawson. I confess, I don't know how the hell am I supposed to continue with my life without him in it. I separate my 26 years into two parts. My life before I met Mick Rawson, and my life after I met Mick Rawson.-I said, and I couldn't control my tears anymore.-He was my husband. We didn't get a chance to confirm it, but that is how I see him. I hate him for leaving me, but I love him because I had at least a little bit of time with him. I will never forget Mick. And I will never change again. He made me the person I am today, and I will make sure I continue to be that person. In his own words, he wanted to go down as he lived. Hit it Sam.-I said with a small smile, and Sam pressed play on a small CD player. The sounds of ACDC's Highway to hell made everyone laugh, including me. I touched the coffin before I put a white rose on it. Those closest to Mick followed my lead as the coffin was slowly moving down into the hole. All those tears I held up were now rolling down my face. He is officially gone from my life. But he will never be gone from my heart and memories.


	6. Chapter 6

**I noticed a few mistakes in the last one. It's not Welch, its Welsh. And not silent laughter, but quiet laughter. Stupid mistakes, I know, but I do my best. If anyone wants to know songs that I was listening while writing it, here they come : Of course, Johnny Cash, You are my sunshine. I mentioned that one. Then there's Bob Dylan with Make you feel my love. Yeah, a Glee moment, but I loved the song even before I saw the video of Lea singing it. Lana Del Rey : Dark Paradise. A very dark song, but it seemed appropriate. And a lot of Florence and the machine, especially Never let me go. Beautiful song. And, of course, Highway to hell. I may have pushed things a bit too far with that one, but who cares? That's Mick's style. And to tell you the truth, if I die tomorrow, my "last song" would probably be Running with the devil by Van Halen. I'm original and a bit crazy when it comes to those things :) Anyways, I hope you have enjoyed our ride so far. There's plenty more left for me to write, and for you to read, so keep up the good work :) Read, review if you like it, or if you have some constructive criticism, I appreciate and respect everyone's opinion. After all, us with incredibly creative minds should stick together, am I right? Here it comes, the aftermath. Enjoy my lovelies :) **

After one of the worst, if not the worst moments of my life, I had to play host. It's not something that I wanted, but that's the way it goes. And I didn't want to break "tradition" just 'cause I felt like it.

I tried to socialize, but it wasn't going that well. I talked to people, but after some time I caught myself not listening to them, just nodding, to make it seem like I'm listening. Since most of the people in my house are FBI agents, I guess they noticed that I was faking it. And they probably think "who can blame her?"

I'm just thrown under the bus here. I'm not sure how I should act when I'm around people. And even if I'm alone, I still don't know how to act. I'm not falling apart, but it feels like I'm about to, any second now. I'm just so numb. Yup, that's the word. Numb. And clueless. That sums me up.

-How are you doing?-someone asked, and I let out a sigh of relief when I saw that Spencer and JJ were the ones approaching me. When it comes to my team, my family, I don't really have to pretend.

-I'm confused.-I said with a small smile.-It feels like I don't have the time to deal with this on my own. In a way, it doesn't feel like he… like he died at all. I caught myself a few times just expecting that he'll walk through the door. But unless life turns into a Walking Dead spinoff, that won't happened, will it?-

-I think that that's a normal thing to expect.-JJ said in a low voice.-It's only been a few days.-she said.

-Four.-I answered. I know, because I counted every day I woke up without him next to him. Four isn't a large number, but I don't know for how long will I keep counting.-I don't know. I guess it will be easier once I get back to work. It will keep my mind of things.-I said.

-I don't mean to upset you, but I'm not sure if Hotch will like that idea.-Spence said quietly.

-He may be my boss, but it's my decision to make to. He will have to take my opinion in account, that's the least he can do.-I said. I wasn't mad at Hotch, God no. In these past couple of days, he did more for me than I could ever have imagined. But I think that work will be more therapeutic. At the very least, it's more productive than sitting in the house, thinking about how miserable my life has become.

-That's between the two of you.-JJ said with a small smile, and I nodded. She hugged me with one hand, and I leaned my head on her shoulder. Until now, I didn't even realize how tired I was.

-Hello there.-my grams said with a smile.-I must say Dr. Reed, agent Jareau, you and your team take good care of my little girl.-she said, and we all laughed. That's my grams. She could look so formal and elegant, but underneath it all, she's one crazy sheezer. I imagine myself like her, 30, 40 years from now.

-We try to ma'am.-JJ said with a smile. The doorbell range, and I jumped up.

-I'll get it honey.-grams told me, and I smiled. I took a glass of whiskey that was served on the table. I almost dropped it when I saw who was at the door. My mouth just… it dropped.

-Aoife, what's wrong?-JJ asked. I couldn't respond.-Who is that?-she asked, probably worried.

-My mother.-I said quietly. Honest to God, I would be less surprise if it was Mick at the door.

I had enough tact to stay calm, and not make a scene. But a few people in the room knew what would have happened if I was more on edge. Dave and my grandparents stared at me. I took a deep breath.

I walked over to her and grams.-Follow me.-I said quietly, and I walked into the kitchen. My mother came in straight after me. There she was. Probably my biggest nightmare. In a posh dress, just smelling like money. Middle aged socialite with a lot of issues. Who doesn't even love her own child.

-What are you doing here?-I asked quietly, even if I wanted to shout from the top of my voice.

-I called her.-Dave said quietly before Amanda could even open her mouth. My mouth dropped, again.

-Why?-I asked. I was pissed off beyond belief, but what I really wanted to know was why.

-Aoife, you're fiancée died. You need your family.-he said quietly. I wanted to say that in my mind she isn't very important to me.-I'll leave you to it.-he said, and he left. I looked at Amanda. I don't know. She didn't seem so full of herself like she usually does. And she looked sad, not happy. And she was wearing black. But I'm not getting my hopes up. I've learned from experience that she usually won't fulfill them.

-The fact that Dave called you doesn't explain what are you doing here.-I noticed quietly.

-Always a profiler.-she said with a small smile. I ignored her.-Aoife, you are hurt. Your fiancée, who I've never even heard of, has died. Let's just not fight today. Alright?-she asked. Wow. My mother, waving the white flag. Did Mick had to die so that I could see this day? God. I hate being a bitch. Sadly enough, I got that from her. I hate it, but I'm a lot like her. The only difference is that I always have good intentions. But I have to give her some credit. She's at least trying to have a civilized conversation.

-I guess we could try.-I said quietly, after which, I took a deep breath.-Thank you for coming.-I added.

-No problem at all. How are you dealing with it?-she asked.

-Not good. I guess that no matter how many people you lose, you never get used to it.-I said quietly.

-You never do.-she said.-If you ever get used to it, you should be worried.-she said, and I smiled. I guess she's right. And she doesn't even know how many awful things I've seen on my job. Once you get used to it, you're done.-You really loved him, didn't you?-she asked, and I frowned.

-I did. I still do. But what made you ask that question?-I asked, slightly confused.

-I was at the funeral.-she said.-In the back, you couldn't see me. The way you talked about him… you really loved him.-she said. I just kept nodding. This is too much for me. Too much stress for one day.

-I still do.-I confirmed.-I have to go back to the others. Feel free to stay here.-I said, and now she was the one who did all the nodding. If she was waving the white flag, I could at least do the same.

One by one, people left. Again, with the same words they said to me at the funeral. I will make it, I can do it, I'm a strong one. Yeah, right. Just like that. Like Mick was never even in my life.

There was a bit of tension. Hotch, JJ and Will, Spence, Emily, Derek, Penelope and Dave where still here, as was my mother and my grandparents. Dave and my mother still don't see eye to eye after all these years, and neither do my mother and my grandparents. Actually, no one in this room who met my mother before sees eye to eye with her. But I'm not kicking her out. She tried. The least I can do is try too. At least for today.

-When can I go back to work?-I asked suddenly. I need to get that over with.

-You need some time Aoife.-Hotch said.-At least a month.-he said.

-No way.-I said.-It will help me to do something to get my mind of this situation.-I said.

-Three weeks?-Hotch asked.

-One week.-I said. Two weeks are better, but we will meet in the middle.-And nothing more.-

-Two weeks. And that's it.-Hotch said, and I smiled.

-I can live with that.-I said, and he smiled.

-You really can't stop working, can you?-my grandfather asked, and we laughed. This is probably the first genuine laugh I had the last couple of days. I actually laughed like crazy, and they will following my lead. It was helpful. I turned my head to the side, and I swear to God, there was Mick. Leaned onto the doorway. Smiling. Looking at me. I immediately jumped. I'm going crazy. Officially.

-Aoife, what happened?-Derek asked, and I just shook my head. They must never know. And Mick's gone. It wasn't a trick of light, it was my mind playing tricks on me. But he looked so real!

-I just… I can't do this anymore.-I said quietly, and I ran towards the bedroom. They all ran after me, saying something that I wasn't listening to. I opened the closet, took the jeans, shirt, and convers. I ran back to the living room, took my leather jacket from the couch. My lighter was on the table, and I also took a bottle of whiskey. They were still saying something, and I still wasn't listening. I walked to the back yard and I dropped the clothes to the ground. I started pouring whiskey all over them.

-Aoife, what the hell are you doing?-my grams asked me. I turned around. I was crying again.

-I was supposed to marry him in that. Our wedding was supposed to be in five days. Five days and I would have been Mrs. Mick Rawson. But it didn't happen. Because one son of a bitch didn't give a damn, and because Mick was too heroic for his own good. And because of that, I lost him. I may seem crazy to you right now, but believe me, to me, this makes a lot of sense.-I said. They were silent. And they were staring at me. I think that one by one, they realized that I actually may be making some sense.

-You're gonna need a lot more alcohol than that.-my mother said after a couple of seconds. I smiled.

One by one, they all handed me bottles of alcohol they brought from the living room. If this wasn't therapeutic in a sick way, I would feel sorry about all the wasted alcohol. But I didn't give a damn.

When my clothes were soaked, I used the matches Dave handed me. Better that than a lighter.

As soon as the fire started, I realized that this maybe wasn't such a good idea after all. But Hotch had a fire extinguisher in his hands, so the only real danger was that the neighbors will call 911.

-We have ourselves a bonfire.-I said with a smile.-All we need is beer.-I said and to that, Morgan brought out two six packs.-Check. All we need is a beach and s'mores.-I said with a grin. They all looked at me, but none of them was smiling anymore. That's because I started crying again. One can only pretend for so long. And the truth is, I'm afraid that I'm going to lose it. Completely and totally. Seeing my dead fiancée was a first sign. I just hope it doesn't get to sign number two.


	7. Chapter 7

**I have to admit, it feels strange not having Mick in the story. Or, should I say it feels wrong. I knew he will die since the first chapter of Unnamed, but I really, really, really started to like him. Since I'm not going to put sci fi in the story, that really was all from Mick. Well, they may be flashbacks. And a few hallucinations. :) Anyways, if by the end of Unbreakable I'm not 100 % sure, than there will be a possibility of writing another story, with a different ending. But for now, no Mick. So, keep reading. :) **

Smile. No smile. Smile. No smile. No smile, definitely no smile. When I smile, I look like I'm in pain. Or should I try with the smile? No, no smile. It's unnatural. I have no reasons to smile for. So why smile?

It's been a week since the funeral. And this is the day number 8 of my forced vacation. Is vacation really the right word? Still, I have 6 more days. And I don't know what the hell to do with myself.

Grams and gramps left 3 days ago. They stayed as much as they could. I'm glad they left, but not because I didn't want them here. It's quite the opposite. I loved having them as my guest, even if the occasion wasn't exactly a happy one. But I know they have their lives away from D. C. I could see in their eyes that they were homesick. Hey, you can kick an Irish man out of his country…

Amanda was in town for two days. We were together for the most part, but it was very formal. It just wasn't natural. You can't fix 26 years in 2 days. But we were at least making some progress.

Every single member of my team called me every day. Worried. They wanted to get me out of the house, but there was no use. I wasn't ready yet. I knew very well that it's not healthy. It all still smells like him, his stuff are everywhere, our pictures, all the memories. I mean, this is his house. Well, used to be. He left me the house. I guess that at some point I will want to move out. Probably at the same time when I decide to move on. But, that's not happening any time soon, and neither is the moving part.

I still haven't found the strength to open his letter. I looked at it for hours in total, but I just couldn't.

At least I wasn't depressed. I had the energy. I just didn't have the will. Instead of having fun and trying to get my mind of him, I cleaned the house, top to bottom. A few times already. I watched every single season of Breaking Bad, Walking dead, Sex and the city and I'm half way through Gray's anatomy.

I don't have a life!

The only time I broke down since the funeral was on the day that was supposed to be our wedding day. I cried like a little baby. I cried a little bit every day though. But never the full meltdown edition of Aoife.

And, thank you dear God, I haven't had any more hallucinations. I have no idea what caused me to see Mick that day, and the truth is, I don't even want to know. The last thing I need right now is for my life to turn into some kind of supernatural TV show like Ghost Whisperer or something.

Smile? Nope, no smile. I'm going with no smile.

I decided to leave the house today. But before I did, I stood in front of the mirror, not sure whether I'm ready or not. I don't want to be around other people. I want two things. And neither one of them is possible. One, I want Mick back. Yeah, good luck with that one Aoife!

The second thing I wanted was to go back to work. But that's not going to be possible for another 6 days. Hotch is just as hardheaded as I am. Neither one of as was giving up. Until I gave up, at least.

I hope things sort out when I go back to the FBI. I have to hope, because that's my only hope.

But now I'm going out for the first time. I'm all in black. Convers, black jeans, black T shirt. And my engagement ring is still on my finger. Again, it may not be healthy, but I don't give a fuck. I doubt I will ever take it off.

I took Bon Jovi out with me. I wore my sunglasses, so I didn't have to worry about the glances in my direction. I was walking like I don't give a damn. And I really don't.

Completely unplanned, I decided to have a haircut. My boy, Jordan, was working on my hair back when I still lived in NY. Luckily for me, he too moved to D. C. And he allowed Bon Jovi to get inside.

Jordan didn't know I was engaged, so he didn't know I was practically a widow. And he didn't need to.

-What do you want me to do?-he asked with a smile on his face. Ok, what do I want?

-Cut it. All of it.-I said, and he looked at me like I was completely crazy.

-All of it?! No, you're not doing the Britney Spears. Not in my salon.-he said, and I started laughing.

-Not all of it, I exaggerated. But a lot of it. Shorter than shoulder length.-I said. He still wasn't happy.

-Honey, that's too short. My wife didn't listen to me two years ago and she still talks about it.-he said.

-Ok, fine.-I said, just because I didn't feel like arguing, or talking to be honest, anymore that I had to.-You do what you think is best. But make it shorter. I want something different.-I said, for a hundredth time.

I was happy with the final result. It was shoulder length, but compared to the style I wore just minutes ago, it was pretty shorter. I just wanted a change. I need to get used to it, but still, it's a change.

It was a beautiful day in general. A fine day for me. There won't be amazing and awesome days for me anymore. But there will be good ones. This was… meh. Ok. The weather was nice, so I took Bon Jovi to the park. And tried not to think of the fact that Mick and I used to take them there together.

-Come on boy, let's get rid of that leash.-I said with a small smile. Bon Jovi was ecstatic. He was jumping around me, and when he decided that he showed me how happy he actually was, he started running all around the field. I watched him with a smile. I'm not the only one that missed Mick. And I wasn't thinking about Sam and Mick's team, his friends, our friends. Bon Jovi missed him to. I wasn't that crazy that I imagined him telling me. I just felt it. And he jumps every time he hears the doorbell. And when I open the door, and he sees it's not Mick, he drags himself to the living room. Well, at least I'm not the only one who's sad.

I sometimes forget during the night. It just slips my mind, and every day, when I wake up, I open my eyes, expecting to see him next to me. After couple of seconds, I remember everything. I honestly don't know what am I going to do with myself. Even if I manage to handle it for the time being, what will I do in a couple of years? It's not smart to think that far, but I can't help myself. What am I supposed to do? Meet someone else? Fall in love, marry someone? If that happens once in a lifetime, you should be happy. Chances of it happening twice are close to impossible. At least for me. I have barely opened myself up for Mick. How the hell am I supposed to do it again? And with someone else?

I'm not sure if I would make it if it wasn't for my cigarettes. Thanks to Spencer, I know very well that one cigarette is six minutes less. To his mother, he used to say 6 minutes that she could spend with him. And to me he said six minutes I could have spent with Mick. The irony of it is just unbelievable.

By the time I finished with my cigarette, I was about to call for Bon Jovi. And then I realized that I would be yelling a band name in the middle of the park. My originality is obviously not that practical.

I got off the bench I was sitting on, but before I could go and get Bon Jovi, a golden retriever ran to me. I'm a dog person, I could never ignore something so cute. I kneeled to the ground so that I could play with him. Golden retrievers were always my favorite, but now there's a Jack Russell in my life.

-Barney, get over here!-someone yelled, and the golden left my side. But he didn't go that far. I looked up to see the person he was playing with now. Man, not older than 32, 33. Actually, a very good looking man. Dark hair, casually all over the place. Big smile, beautiful eyes. And I'm not even interested, so I can't imagine what other things do ladies see. When he smiled, so did I. At least he's friendly.-I'm so sorry if he was bothering you.-he said, and I shook my head and smiled.

-God, no. I love dogs, I have one of my own, but I can't seem to see the goofball around.-I said while I was looking over to the dogs, to see where's Bon Jovi. But he was obviously MIA.

-What's his name?-the guy asked me, and I started laughing.

-That's the problem. If I start yelling Bon Jovi, I'll be hospitalized.-I said with a smile, and he was laughing.

-You named your dog Bon Jovi?-he asked with a smile, and I nodded.-You should have called him Jon Bon Jovi, so you can yell Jon.-he joked, and I was laughing. Good one.-Come on, you won't be hospitalized if two people start yelling.-he said as he was walking down to the field.

-He's a Jack Russell.-I said with a smile. And then it happened. Two grown people were yelling Bon Jovi in the park. First people were looking at us like we're crazy. Than they realized that's a dog name, and a few of them were laughing. I was just thinking how Mick would laugh if I told him this story.

-There you are.-I heard, and I turned around. Bon Jovi was running around the guy with the retriever.

-Thank you.-I said with a smile as I was putting Bon Jovi on a leash.-And you goofball should know better than to ignore me when I'm calling you around like an idiot.-I said to the dog. He was still hyper, not at all sad. I still have my doubts on whether I should keep him. When I brought him home, home was a two person household. And in a week, I'll be working my ass of. I don't want to put Bon Jovi through that. But I will at least give it a try. Who knows, maybe we find a way.

-You cut your hair, didn't you?-the guy asked, and I turned around with a surprise look on my face. How the hell can he know that?-I recognized the dog. I remember you now. You used to come here with Bon Jovi, and a tall, good looking guy?-he asked with a smile. My heart broke once again.

-Yup, that was me.-I said with a small smile. I knew that it was coming. The wave of sadness. It's like when you watch Titanic. You know the stupid ship will sink, you know that Jack will die, but you still cry.

-Well, if that guy isn't a boyfriend, I would love to take you out on coffee some time?-the guy asked. Ok, what just happened? I was thinking about moving on some day, and boom, a picture perfect guy just fell in front of me, and asked me out. I bet my story is making God laugh. It sure seems that way.

-Sorry. Engaged.-I said with a small smile and showed him the ring on my finger. He laughed.

-I knew it. But a guy's gotta try.-he said, and I smiled.-I'm Miles by the way.-he said and reached out his hand.

-Aoife.-I said as we shook hands. He smiled, gave me a small wave, and walked away.

I'm going to pay for this. Chances are that I just said no to what could have been my romantic comedy.

But there was no way in hell I was going to say yes. Even if Mick would want me to move on.

I think that Katy Perry has a song that goes Comparisons are easily done once you had a taste of perfection. Yup, it's Katy. I just don't remember what is the name of the song. But she said it good.

-Come on boy, let's go.-I said as I started walking away, with Bon Jovi by my side.-It's still just the two of us. You'd better get used to it, it seems it's going to be like that for a long time-I said quietly.


	8. Chapter 8

Bon Jovi woke me up. The real Bon Jovi, not my dog. You give love a bad name can still make me jump out of the bed the moment it goes off. And since I'm going back to work today, I needed it. I really did.

I did my morning routine. Unlike the past few days, I put make-up today. Just a little bit. I need to be the professional Aoife from now on. In my mind, that's a lot better than being the sad and weak Aoife.

Black jeans, long sleeved T shirt in a dark red color, almost burgundy, black jacket. And I just brushed my hair. It's been a lot easier for me to get ready, since I didn't have to do almost anything to my hair. Usually, I needed to put on a few products, than to use either an iron, or a curling iron. And now? Bye-bye irons. I just put the curl and volume mousse, let the hair dry on its own, and that's it. The result is very good too. At least I like it, and at the end of day, it's only my opinion that counts.

I was ready to go. Back to work and back to Quantico. Back to saving people. The only think that I was worried about was the fact that every single person in the bureau will be looking at me today. With a small smile and a look that says we're here for you. I want to throw up just thinking about it.

I was about to leave the room when I saw the letter. The letter that Mick gave Sam to give to me in case something happens to him. I still hadn't read it. I know I have to read it at some point. Maybe the sooner the better. Well, I can do it now. It's a good day as any. I took a deep breath, sat on the bed, and opened the letter, careful that I don't rip the envelope up. I'm probably going to want to keep it.

It was Mick's handwriting. More neat that you would expect. Most of the time, Mick looked so carefree, maybe even careless. But he was… he was just a great guy. Nothing more to say on that note. He was the best man he could be, and I feel privileged that he loved me. My hands have started shaking.

_Aoife, _

_This is going to sound like something from a stupid movie, but if you're reading this, I'm probably dead. God, I can just hear your laughter. But the thing is, Sam is not supposed to give this to you if I'm up and running. The only time he can give it to you is if I'm dead, or at the very least, seriously injured. _

_Ok, so let's get started. This is not going to be like in one of those movies. We won't be playing with clay, and I won't be leaving you letter after letter, like in that movie you made me watch for 100 times. Come to think of it, that's one of the rare times I've seen you cry. _

_I'm not sure whether the timelines will collide or not, but I need you to know this. If I hadn't asked you to marry me, I was planning to. And if I asked you, and you said no, don't worry. I know you wanted to. _

_The two of us… we can't be stranger, can we? But we are a pretty good match. At least I think so. _

_We may have our differences, and you may be a pain in my ass sometimes, but the truth is, you make me happy. And that is the most important thing. We don't need to agree on the wall color for the living room, as long as I look at you, and you smile or stick your tong out, because I pissed you of. In those little moments, I think, "that's my girl". But, I'm probably dead by now, so I don't want to make you feel any worse by making you remember those little moments. This isn't going to be one of those cheesy letters where I tell you how much I love you. If I did my job any good, you know very well that I was crazy about you from the moment I saw you in that hallway, for the first time ever. You know that very well love, and there is something more important that you need to know. _

_You already know it, but you can have you doubts. So, here it goes. _

_You are amazing. You, Aoife Murphy, are one of a kind. Every one of us has their moments, but even if you're pissed of beyond belief, you are still good. You're good, kind, funny, dedicated, headstrong, honest, beautiful, intelligent, and it's the little things that make you happy. You also love unconditionally if someone has enough strength and patience. I'm sure as hell glad that I had. _

_I'm not going to tell you "don't be scared to fall in love again". That's not the two of us. Yeah, I think that it would be a shame for you not to love again, but it's your choice. And if a lucky man comes along, you can be sure that he will pay the price in afterlife. I'll be waiting, and you know I'm good with a gun. _

_I just don't want you to be sad. You have so much to give to the world. Whether it's in the way of you saving lives, or with being a loyal friend, or someone's wife… Whatever makes you happy. Because that was always my long term goal. To make you happy, and to see you with a smile on your face. _

_You made my life a whole lot better. And you helped me more than you will ever know. I liked you the moment I saw you, and I loved you by the time I first kissed you. I fought for you, and it was worth it. I love you more than I can ever say, or show. And I will always love you. Whether I'm dead or alive, or if we're together or not. _

_So, to sum up. You're amazing. And continue to be amazing. Do that for me. _

_I love you Murphy. Remember me every now and then. _

_Love, Mick. _

I cried. I cried my eyes out. It made me remember how wonderful he was. And selfless. He wanted me to know what he always thought of me. He wanted to make sure that I never forget it.

I'm not so sure about the moving on part. At least not yet. But whenever I feel unsure about myself, I will read this letter. And one thing is for sure. I will never stop missing Mick Rawson.

I fixed my make-up, put Bon Jovi in the back yard with his food and water, and I was ready to go.

Arctic Monkeys started playing on the car player. I turned the volume up. After a couple of songs or so, I started singing. Or, yelling. Yup, yelling was a better description. And it felt so damn good.

Music really is like therapy. At least when it comes to me. It won't fix all the problems, but it can make me forget about them for at least some time.

I smiled when I noticed the picture that was attached to my review mirror. Me and Mick, the selfie from the Bahamas. God, we were so happy. And the only thing I regret was that I took my time. I should have tried the relationship thing much earlier. I should have moved in with him the first time he asked. And I should have married him. I regret not doing all those things, but there is nothing I can do to change it.

All I can do is to continue. In the end, that's all there is.

It was 7:45 when I arrived to Quantico. I had 15 more minutes, and I used it to smoke a cigarette.

I'm guessing that the first day back will be the hardest. It will take me some time to get back on the track, but as soon as I do, it will be easier. Day by day. And then, it will just click, and things will be normal again. I will still miss Mick, that's for sure. But I probably won't think about it all day, every day.

As I was going to our floor, I did my best to avoid people. But does that I couldn't avoid, they gave me a small smile, which I returned, out of common courtesy. They all know it. It's like frickin' Big Brother here.

The first hones smile for the day was when I saw Dave, Spence, JJ, Emily and Derek. That was honest.

-Guess who's back?-I asked with a smile. They all hugged me. And now comes the hard part.

-How are you doing? Ready to get back here?-Dave asked me, and I nodded.

-More than ever before.-I said with a smile. Again, I was face to face with a picture of Mick and myself.

-Like your hair.-Emily said as I was looking at the picture of the two of us, from my birthday party.

-Thanks. I needed a change.-I said, and I took a deep breath.-We got a case?-I asked.

-When don't we?-Morgan noticed, and we laugh. Ugh, it feels good to be back.


	9. Chapter 9

Interesting how a child abduction can be distracting. It's sick, but it was nice not to think about how bad is my life. When you see someone going through something worse, you realize that even if it seems like it, the world has not come to its end. Like Mick said, there's still a lot for me to do here.

A boy was kidnapped after school. Age 11. The only thing that seems specific about the boy is that the parents are wealthy. This is not a crime of passion. So it's a little bit easier to deal with. The UnSub probably won't harm the kid, since he needs him. They want half of million dollars delivered. And if they want it, they need the kid alive. Or, they won't act according to the profile, and we're screwed.

-Ok, so you can have the money here in a couple of hours?-I asked the parents, and they nodded.-You will need to act a certain way during the exchange. These guys have some experience, so we will not be able to follow them easily. The important thing is for you to have your son back. After you have him, it's our job to get the ones responsible, and take care of them.-I said. I may have sounded a bit pissed off than I actually should sound like, but who can blame me? I deal with this things almost every single day. I see this all the time. I want to make these people pay. In a right way. That's why I don't kill them. I'm not Dexter, I'm just Aoife. And we will do our best to catch them after the ransom drop.

-I'll lead you through the process, so you know what to do.-Emily said, and the parents nodded.

-And will the team be around that area?-the father asked.

-Yes. As soon as you get your boy, we're stepping in. They know you informed the police, but they don't know about you contacting us. We will catch them by surprise.-I said. I feel confident about this one. I'm not sure about how will the catching part go, but I know we'll do our best. And at the end of the day, it's important to have the kid brought back to his parents. Then we take care of the abductors.

I stepped away from the fuss in the living room. I'm still not my old self, ready to chat and be around a lot of people. So I went to the kitchen. I knew someone will follow me. I know my job. But I thought Dave will be the one. Instead of Dave, Spencer and Hotch walked into the kitchen.

-How are you dealing with this?-Hotch asked me, and I smiled.

-Fine.-I said, and I took a deep breath.-Hotch, look, if you think I'm not ready to be back on the field, you should have said it a lot earlier. I'm here, and I will do what I do best. Once we have a case… my apologies for the language, but our shit isn't that important anymore.-I said. I thought we've been through this. I'm perfectly capable of knowing if I'm ready to do my job. And I'm more than ready.

-I'm just worried.-he said, and I nodded. Yeah, I could see that.

-And so am I.-I said quietly.-Most of the time, I don't know what the hell am I to do with myself. But when we have a case, when we're making a difference… to be honest, right now is the first time in weeks that I have known that I'm doing the right thing.-I admitted. As always, I'm being honest.

-Just don't pretend to be ok.-Hotch said quietly.-If you are, fine. But if you're not, tell me. We need you to be at your best. Not just today, but always.-he said. He sounded like he was my father. Or older brother. Either way, I know his intentions are good. He's only worried about me. And I appreciate it.

-I'll tell you if I need some time. But right now, we need to find that kid.-I said, and I left the kitchen.

Morgan and I drove to the parking lot where the ransom is supposed to be dropped in two hours. This is a classic stake out. As soon as we parked the SUV, we made our way to the wood nearby. We hope that the two possible UnSubs won't see us, but that's the best we can do for now.

-I dig the hair.-Morgan said and I laughed.

-Thanks. I needed a change. I like it.-I said with a smile.

-You know, women usually change their hairstyle after something traumatic happens.-he said.

-In case you haven't noticed Morgan, I'm a woman. I know when we do what we do.-I said with a smile, and he laughed.-It didn't help much. I'm still feeling slightly miserable.-I admitted.

-I guess it will go away eventually.-he said, and I nodded.

-Well, if it doesn't, I'll have one hell of a problem. Now, let's do this.-I said. I said that only because I didn't want to talk about myself anymore. I feel like they're watching my every move. And I can only handle it for some time. I hope that they don't keep up, because I might blow up.

We basically just sat in the woods for two hours. We were in contact with the rest of the team, but the plan is that the two of us are the closest, so we're the ones that will react to the exchange. I don't even want to think about what the hell will happen if the kid is not with the UnSub. Or Subs. Plural.

-Here's the family.-Morgan said, and I turned around. There was another car pulling over.

-And here's the UnSub.-I said.-Good, he's turned away. We can come closer.-I noticed.

-The kid's in the car with the second UnSub. We'll have to wait.-he said. Great.

-As soon as the kid's out, we run.-I said, and Morgan nodded. We have to be fast. That's why the two of us are here. We're the fastest. And I can only hope that we're fast enough.

We were. As soon as the kid was out the car, Morgan and I came charging. We arrested the UnSubs, the kid was safe, and so was the money. Before we left, the boy gave me a hug and thanked me for saving his life. I barely held the tears. In moments like that, I love who I am, and I love what I'm doing.

We drove back to D. C. and I went straight home. Morgan said he'd take over the paperwork, and I was thankful. I needed a little break. I took a shower, eat a sandwich, and I went to sleep. Just another day.

The sound of the doorbell woke me up. I took my cell. It's 2 in the morning. I got up, took my gun, and slowly walked through the house. I opened the door, slowly. Morgan, Hotch, Dave, JJ, Spence, Garcia and Emily were standing on the porch. I put the gun on the table near the door.

-What's going on, did something happen?-I asked. I'm still a bit sleepy.

-Nope.-Garcia said with a smile.-We're taking you out.-she asked. Ok, they are crazy.

-Out? It's 2 in the morning.-I pointed out.

-We know.-Hotch said with a small smile.-And we're going. No questions.-he said. They only let me take my jacket, but that was it. They came in two of the bureaus SUV's, but they were all smiling. This is not business. I tried to ask, but they wouldn't answer. Until we stopped at the supermarket.

-Ok, what the hell are we doing here at this hour?-I asked, completely confused. I'm still in my pajamas.

-We're going to have some fun.-JJ said as she pulled a shopping cart.-Jump in.-she said with a smile.

-Are you kidding me?-I asked, but she shook her head.

-Look, Aoife.-Dave said, and I turned to him.-You lost Mick. And you're on edge. You need to have some fun. Some childish fun. And what's better than having a shopping cart race?-he asked with a smile.

-And you all want to do this?-I asked, and they all nodded.-Even you Hotch?-I asked in surprise.

-Hell yeah.-he said, and I smiled. Well, if you can't beat them, join them. Morgan helped my climb into one of the carts. Dave helped Emily climb into the other one. JJ's pregnant, so she'll sit this one out. But I saw her taking pictures. I could only laugh once Morgan started running. We all were laughing.

-What the hell are you doing?!-a security guard yelled as he ran towards us.

-Sir, we're from the FBI.-Hotch said. I could barely contain laughter.-We'll just be here for a few minutes, and if we break anything, we will pay.-Hotch said in his professional voice.

-I can't allow you to do that.-the security guard said.

-Oh, dude, come on.-I said, and I stood up.-My fiancée was killed three weeks ago. Let me have this. Let us have this. At this point, you're lucky I'm not shooting around like it's the O.K. Corral.-I said.

-10 minutes, and that's it.-the guard said, and we all laughed as Morgan continued pushing the cart.

This was one of the craziest things I have ever done. And it helped. God, did it help! We were all laughing our asses off. And I'm sure we'll laugh when we see the pictures.

**Ok, Aoife needed some laughter and joy. And this seemed like a good way to let her have some. I imagined You get what you give by the New Radicals playing in the background in the supermarket scene. Actually, it played while I was writing :) Hope you liked it. Enjoy and please review. **


	10. Chapter 10

The whole team had a day off. I had no planes for the day, because I'm supposed to be at Dave's for dinner. I didn't want to be home all day. The "doing nothing" is starting to choke me. I cleaned the whole house, yet again. I smoked half a pack, yet again. I called Nina, feeling guilty for not calling her more often, yet again. And I found a new favorite song. Taylor Swift and Gary Lightbody, the guy from Snow Patrol, The last time. Definitely a new favorite. It was on replay for a couple of hours.

I was bored. Very bored. So I decided to call the whole team over. Dave was busy, and I'm going to see him tonight. Emily was out of town, J.J. wanted to spend all of her time with Will. Hotch was with Jack, and Garcia and Morgan were both going out on dates. Only Spencer was available. So we decided to meet up in the park, since I was supposed to walk Bon Jovi. At least I won't be alone for the whole day.

We met, we walked, we talked. I'm probably being a bitch for thinking like this, but Spencer wouldn't be my first choice for company. He is a dear friend, and I love him, but I think that Garcia's bubbly personality would probably help me more than Spencer's cute, but a bit know it all attitude.

-Can I ask you a personal question Spence?-I asked him suddenly.

-Of course.-he said.

-Have you ever been in love?-I asked him. I wanted to know that about him ever since I met him. He is socially awkward, and I think that that keeps him away from love, in any shape, or size. Sadly, because he really is a genuinely good guy. I don't see him cheating, lying or something similar.

-No, not really.-he said, and I appreciated the honesty. That's probably not easy to admit.-I never really had the time. And you might have noticed, but I'm not good with people.-he said with a smile.

-Bullshit.-I answered with a smile.-You just need the guts to break the ice, or someone needs to do that for you. You may be missing out on a lot, but look at me. I'm not that happy, am I?-I asked with a smile.

-Have you ever been in love before Mick?-he asked. I guess I could have expected that question.

-There were guys, but I never really loved anyone other than Mick. Unless you count Gavin Rossdale, and you probably don't.-I said with a grin. I always was a fan girl.

-Who?-Spencer asked, and I smiled. I always forget that he's a genius and by far the smartest person I ever met, but that his knowledge of pop culture is more than poor.

-Handsome Brit, in a band called Bush, Gwen Stefani's husband?-I asked, and he just shook his head.-Never mind. I was a crazy girl, I'll tell you that. If I was about 20 in the 80's, I would have been a groupie, that's for sure.-I said, but then I wondered, does he even know what a groupie means?

-You are one weird person, you know that?-he asked me, and I started laughing like crazy.

-You're telling me that?-I asked, and he also started laughing.-I don't know, but I love my weirdness and craziness. At least I'm having fun. Well, most of the time. Now, not so much.-I admitted.

-It will get better.-Spence said, and I nodded. I know that, but for me, that's just a theory.-I'm sure that it's gonna take you a significant amount of time for you to heal, but it will happen eventually.-he said.

-I hope you're right. One part of me wants to move on. The same part of me that doesn't want to be in the state in which I am now. I don't like this slight depression, this sadness. And then again, there's a part of me that doesn't want to forget him. Never ever. Even if that means that I will be stuck in this hole for the rest of my life. Pardon my language, but I have always been a fucked up person. I don't know why, but I had my fair share of mood swings, and acting like I'm slightly crazy. It took Mick quite some time to get me to trust him. But eventually I did, and it was lovely. And to tell you the truth, I have no idea if I will ever be able to do that again. I don't know if ever reason will be good enough to make me open up, and move on, and not think about him every single day.-I said quietly. Spence isn't my shrink. And I really shouldn't be telling him all of this. I'm sure he has his problem, so he doesn't need to deal with my problems. But I really needed to talk to someone. To open up, at least just a little bit.

-I really wish I could help, but I don't know what to do.-he said, and a gave him a small smile.

-Don't worry, you're not my healer or anything. You just need to be my friend. I guess that's all I really need anyway.-I told him, and he smiled. We walked in circles around the park, with Bon Jovi running around us. I'm glad Spence's a dog person, or else my dog would be a very irritating creature to him.

-Thanks.-I said with a smile when Spencer bought us both coffee.-You know, I think our team could feed a couple of families with the amount of money we spend on coffee.-I said, and he laughed.

-It's probably true. Although, I don't really know the statistics.-he said, and I was laughing to that.

-Wow, how on Earth is that possible?-I asked, and he smiled. A golden retriever ran to us, and I recognized the dog. When I looked up, I saw the guy who helped me look for Bon Jovi.-Miles, right?-I asked with a small smile when he smiled to me. It would be really awkward if that's not his name.

-Yeah. And you're Aoife.-he said, and I nodded with my smile.

-This is my colleague, Spencer. And Spence, this is a fellow dog person.-I said with a smile. Spence waved with a friendly smile. He still doesn't feel comfortable with shaking hands with strangers.

-Didn't see you around much.-Miles noticed.

-Yeah, I had some time off, but now I'm back to work, and it is hectic most of the time.-I told him.

-What do you do?-he said, in a speaking of that kind of way.

-I'm an FBI agent.-I said, and his mouth dropped. As it usually happens. Most men react like that. I'm not sure what it is, but they are probably slightly intimidated. Mick wasn't. He understood everything about it. He understood everything about me. My personality, my behavior. He knew everything. Every corner of my mind and every curve of my body. No one will ever know me that good.-We're in the behavioral analysis unit. Basically, we profile the behavior of some very sick people.-I explained with a smile.

-And we usually travel all around the country to do so.-Spencer added with a small smile.

-And here I thought my job was interesting. I'm a photographer.-he explained.

-That is interesting. It's just not as stressful as our job is.-I said with a smile. I liked Miles. He seemed like a good guy. I'm not interested in making new friends, let alone something more than that, but I don't see why we couldn't be good acquaintances. Someone to talk to while I'm walking this beast of mine.

-You try to take pictures of self-centered anorexic models, and then tell me that isn't stressful.-he said, and I laughed. He's probably right.-It was nice meeting you.-he said to Spence, who nodded.-See you around Aoife.-he said to me, and I waved. As soon as he walked away, I started laughing.

-You see? This guy's a catch. If I have never met Mick, if I had never lost Mick, I would be interested in Miles. But now, I don't even see him. I don't see people. If someone tells me to move on, or that I should start dating, they are out of their mind.-I said with a smile.

-Those things you should do only when you're ready for them. If you force that kind of thinking upon yourself, it will be even more difficult than it is right now.-Spencer said, and I laughed to that.

-Can it actually be any more difficult than it already is?-I asked, rhetorically.

We drank our coffee, walked around the park for an hour more or so, and then we went our separate ways.

While I was getting ready to go to Dave's, I realized that I was still wearing black, unplanned. I guess that my subconsciousness is working it's magic. But, then again, navy blue, gray and black are my most regular choices. And I guess black will be my dress code for a long time.

Dave's cooked his signature lasagna. A home cooked meal, and the man I consider my closest family made me feel a lot better. I'm going to do this step by step, and Dave's doing his best to help me.

-How often do you go to the cemetery?-Dave asked me while we were eating. He caught me by surprise.

-Um, I actually didn't go at all since the funeral.-I admitted. I'm not ashamed of it. It's my choice.-That would make it even more real, and I'm not ready to see for myself the proof that he won't be walking through the front door.-I said quietly, and Dave nodded.-Don't get me wrong. I'm perfectly and painfully aware of the fact that he's gone. But still, it…-I started explaining, but I didn't get a chance to finish, since Dave's cell phone started ringing. I knew by the look on his face that it's about work.

-Hello? Yes. Yes. No, Aoife's with me. Sure. We'll be right there.-he said, and hung up.

-Case?-I asked, and he nodded.-Good think that I carry my go back wherever I go.-I noticed.

-Good thing lasagna can be reheated.-Dave said with a frown, and I started laughing. Yeah, that's the biggest problem in the society. Not serial killers, but cold lasagna. God, it must be cool being Dave Rossi.


	11. Chapter 11

After the briefing on the plane, I distanced myself a little bit. Today was different. This case was different. We don't really have that many female serial killers, but when they show up, it's always a very bad case. Women are more furious. And more vicious. When we kill, we kill. It's not a crime of passion, we don't need souvenirs, we just kill. And that's what makes a woman even harder to catch.

At some point, I must have dozed off.

I was alone on the plane, and that's how I knew that this was a dream. I looked around franticly, but I was still stuck. This is very annoying. And I can't do nothing but wait. I hate when there's nothing I can do to change the situation I am in, even if it's a stupid dream.

-Well, you're on edge, aren't you?-I head someone behind me say. I knew who it was before I turned around. If there comes a day when I won't recognize that voice, I will be very, very worried.

I turned. It was Mick. With his hands in his pockets, his signature clothing, hoodie and leather jacket over it. And with a smile on. It was so realistic I almost started crying. But I managed not to do that.

-What the hell are you doing here?-I asked in shock, maybe even in anger. My mind is playing a game with me, and that game can result in me, losing it, completely. I'm two steps away from crazy.

-And here I thought you would be happy to see me.-he said while he was sitting in the seat across mine.

-If this was real, I would be happy, but this is just a bad hallucination.-I said.

-What if it is real?-Mick asked, and I rolled my eyes.

-It isn't.-I said. Would I love to have a chance to talk to him again? Sure I would. But I don't want to do this. I'm imagining him, and that scares the shit out of me. What if I had actually lost my mind the moment I lost him? I don't want to end up like this. I just know that there is more for me to do here.

-You can't know that.-Mick said with a small smile.-This may be a hallucination, but I also might be a ghost, and this is your last chance to talk to me.-he said, and I laughed. Yeah, right.-If you had a chance to talk to me once more, what would you say?-he asked. Well, when he puts it like that, it does make sense. Maybe this is a step in the process of letting him go, moving on, continuing with my life.

-I would ask you why did you leave me.-I said quietly. He was surprised. He had probably expected that I will start yelling at him, or maybe, that I would tell him I will always love him.-Before I left, you promised me that you will wait for me to come back. And you also promised that you wouldn't scare me again. And the next thing I know, Spencer is at my door, telling me you died.-I said quietly.

-Love, it wasn't exactly my choice to go.-he said, and I shook my head.

-I know that. But why did you promise?-I asked.

-Because I wanted to believe it to.-he said in a low voice, and I smiled.-I never wanted to leave you Aoife. I wanted to believe that it was possible. But I guess it wasn't meant to be.-he added.

-Don't tell me that.-I said, now really angry. Probably not that much at him as I am to the situation.-It was never supposed to happen. You loved me, I loved you. We were happy. You weren't supposed to die, we were supposed to be together, so don't tell me that it's the way it should be. You're not the one left to pick yourself up after you've been shattered to million little pieces. I have no idea why I'm yelling at a hallucination, but you have no idea what I've been through!-I yelled. Again, I was angry at the situation, I was angry at myself, and a tiny piece of me was angry at him. And one more reason I was even more angry is because this is all make believe! I'm yelling at my dead fiancée. And I'm seriously starting to get worried about my mental health. This is a full on hallucination, dream, whatever, but it's not like the first time a saw him. There was that moment, after his funeral. I could have sworn that he was in the living room, laughing along with me. And like all of that isn't enough, my strange personality is there to. Mood swings, neurosis, even a little bit of depression. And, of course, my signature move is not to trust just anybody. I'm seriously getting worried, and scared. I don't know what to do.

-Aoife, it wasn't up to me.-Mick said, and I took a deep breath. And tears started to fill my eyes.

-Mick, I'm lost.-I said while my tears took the best of me.-I'm losing my mind, and I don't know what to do anymore. I was thinking that things are going to get better, and here you are, and here I am, speaking to a hallucination like it's really you.-I said. I'm seriously starting to contemplate suicide. I really am.

-Love, it's not real.-he said quietly.-It's either a dream, or a defense mechanism of yours. You will get better.-he said, but I shook my head.-I know it doesn't seem that way, and I know it's going to take you some time, but it will be better.-he said. I shook my head, again. He came over to me, sat on the seat next to me. He hugged me, and I was crying even more. He felt so real, like it was the real him. I remembered that touch. And the fact that I recognized him, recognized his touch, made me feel even worse. I'm losing it. And I have no idea what the hell am I doing.

-I need to wake up now.-I said quietly.

-I know.-he said quietly.-You will be just fine Aoife. After some time, you will just remember me with a smile on your face. You won't be sad.-he said. I know that's not going to happen. I may have a smile, but I will always be sad. He will always be the one that got away. The one that I loved truly and deeply. And the one with whom I never really had a genuine chance of happiness.

-I love you.-I said quietly, and he smiled. Oh, that smile. I couldn't stop myself. I kissed him. His lips, as well as his touch, felt real. So real that it was frightening.

I jumped up. I could barely breath.

-Aoife, what's wrong?-Emily asked as she was sitting next to me. Emily, not Mick.

-A dream.-I answered and I took a sip from the water bottle.

-A nightmare?-she asked.

-Not really.-I said. I saw the look in her eyes. Worry. Just what I needed.-Sorry.-I said and got up. She moved so that I can walk over to Hotch. He shifted his eyes from the papers he was reading, to me.

-Is everything ok?-he asked quietly.

-As soon as we're done with this case, I quit.-I answered.

**Cliffhanger… Stay tuned :) **


	12. Chapter 12

**6 MONTHS AFTER CHAPTER 11**

-Hey, Aoife!-Gary, one of the regulars yelled, and I turned to him.-One more love.-he said, and I shook my head in disbelief, although, I did had a smile on my face. I hope I won't have to cut him off. Again.

I filled another glass of Guinness, and I slid it across the bar, just like they do in the movies. I smiled when I saw that not a drop of beer was spilled. I'm becoming really good at this.

-So, is this the night you finally go home with me?-Jamie, another regular asked me. I laughed. The boy is just not giving up. It is adorable in a way. He's very persistent, but his choice of words is more than primitive. I know he's joking, but I doubt he would complain if I finally answered with a yes.

-Nope.-I said with a smile, and all of those who were sitting at the bar started laughing.

-You keep trying boy, one day she may actually say yes.-said Joseph, the owner of the pub I'm working in. Downtown Drogheda, Friday night, and a full pub. I couldn't feel more alive than in this very moment.

-I'm telling you, that's not gonna happen.-I said with a smile. I laughed when Jamie made a sad face.-Joe, can I go and have a cigg?-I asked him. Some habits stay with you. Especially the bad ones.

-Sure, go ahead.-he said. I wiped my hands on my red check shirt, and I went out into the back, and then through the back door. I sat on a beer cage and I lit my cigarette.

This feels so good. The night is cold, the stars are visible all over the sky, and my curled hair was all over the place because of the wind. I smiled. A real, genuine smile. I'm happy. This isn't what I envisioned for myself, this was never my definition of happiness, but I really am happy.

I finished my cigarette, and I went back behind the bar. This was a good night. And this is a good place. I've been here for three months, and I was never in a bad situation, not once. Joseph is treating me like I'm his daughter, and any costumer of his knows that I'm his protégée. Jamie is still hitting on me, but that's just a running joke for the regulars, since he knows that I will continue to refuse him.

We closed the pub in 3 AM, as we always do, every Friday night, every weekend.

-When should I get here tomorrow?-I asked Joseph while we were cleaning up for the night.

-Whenever you want to, but please, before midnight.-he said, and I laughed.-That's it.-he said, as he finally finished whipping the floor.-See you tomorrow kiddo.-he said, and I hugged him before leaving.

I drove back home. I was still very hipper, so it's not a surprise that I was singing along with Florence and the machine. I pulled over in front of the house, opened the gate, and parked on the driveway, next to my grandparent's Mercedes. I was tiptoeing, because I didn't want to wake up the whole house.

I made my way to the same bedroom I used when I was a teenager, staying at my grandparents' house.

Now, my energy was down. There wasn't enough strength in me for me to take a shower, or even change. I just jumped on the bed, and I was asleep in a matter of seconds.

I looked like a zombie. But, it's morning. I am forgiven.

-Morning honey.-my grams said with a smile when I entered the kitchen.-Coffee's on the table.-

-Thanks grams.-I said with a small smile. I still can't function without coffee in the morning. Like I said, some habits just stick to you, whether they are good or not.

-You're working night today?-she asked and I nodded.-And what will you do before work?-she asked.

-I have therapy in about an hour.-I said, and I smiled.-I think I'm going to do some writing before hitting the pub. The inspiration still hasn't left me.-I said, and she smiled.

-Have you heard from your team?-she asked, and my smiled melted. I fell a strong sense of guilt whenever I talk, or even think about my team. But I know this would happen when I did what I did.

-Just mails from JJ.-I answered, and took a sip of my coffee.-They're letting me handle this on my own, like I said I wanted to. Only JJ and Dave know where I am. And probably Garcia.-I said with a smile. I have no doubt she's tracked my credit cards or something similar. I'm not sure if she informed the rest of the team about my whereabouts, but if she did, they respected my choice. Only JJ didn't, as expected.

-Sweetie, you know we're happy you're here. And you know we respect every single choice you make. But I think that quitting your job shouldn't mean you were quitting you're friendship with this people.-she said. I've been through that. Both with my grandparents, and with myself. Chances are that this is not the best way. And I am definitely not being a good friend to the ones closest to me. But before I can restart our friendship, I need to take care of myself. And being away from the crimes, for things that remind me of my loss… that's going to help me. Sadly, that means that I cut off my connections to all those people who I left back in Quantico.

-I need to get a hold on myself grams.-I said quietly.-And they understood that. I can only hope they still do.-I said, and I took in a deep breath.-I'm going to get ready. And don't worry about me. I'm better now than I was in a very long time.-I said. She smiled, hugged me, and then I ran off to get ready.

I drove downtown. Just a regular day, jeans, t shirt and hoodie type of day. My therapist, Sarah, works in her apartment. I think that's a good idea, since her personal library makes me feel a lot more comfortable than I would feel in her office. And she always greets me with a smile and a cup of tea.

-How are you feeling today?-she asked me. She's only a couple of years older than me, and I'm also a psychologist of some sort, so it wasn't easy for me to open up to her. But once I did, it helped me.

-Good, thank you.-I answered with a smile.-My grandmother asked me about my former team, so it fired up the guilt in me. But I know that this escape is for my benefit.-I said.

-We talked about your job, and the things you saw on a regular basis. We talked about Mick, and how you felt after the loss, how you feel now… Even about that dream. But I think that we need to dig a bit more deeper.-she said. That doesn't sound so good. But it might be necessary.

-Ok. What are you thinking about?-I asked her cautiously.

-Your father. And maybe even your brother.-she said, and I nodded.-What can you tell me about them?-she asked. God, the stuff I talk about with her are always on the top of my list of stuff I don't want to talk about. But avoiding only enlarges the problem. Facing the topics I avoid can help me a lot.

-Ok. My father's name was Liam Murphy. He was an architect. And he was a crazy man, in a good way.-I said with a small smile.-Goofy, funny, maybe even a bit eccentric. Honest to God, I have no idea what he saw in my mother, or what she saw in him. The only explanation was that she was a wild child when they met, and I find that hard to believe. I was always daddy's little girl. We were close. After my parents' divorce, both my brother and I were with my mother. As soon as I turned 18, I left her, left New York and started studying in the UK, Cambridge. I was only one month into the semester when I found out my dad was sick. Very sick, and for a long time too. He just kept it a secret. I came here, to Drogheda, to be with him. We had two days before he died. I was… I guess I was broken. But I forgot the feeling. When you go through loss after loss, you realize that the feeling was the same. And after some time, that feeling just becomes a void.-I said quietly. At least I didn't cry this time.

-And what about your brother?-Sarah asked me.

-The two of us were close too. He was five years older than me. and he was always the big brother every girl needs. Eight months after our father died, I visited New York, because it was Colin's birthday. He convinced me to stay there for a whole week, even though I was arguing with our mother for most of the time. We were in the middle of a heated argument when the phone rang. Colin was in a car accident and he died minutes after he reached the hospital. In less than a year, I lost the two people I loved the most and I was closest to. Like I said, void. Just a big void.-I added quietly.

-Did you see them after like you saw Mick after his funeral?-she asked, and I shook my head.

-No. I was dealing with it the normal way I guess. I was quiet, crying all the time, barely leaving my room. But Mick was the first hallucination.-I said.

-I told you, don't refer to it as a hallucination. For all we know, it might even be true, but it was probably just your imagination. Not a hallucination. You'd be surprised to know how many people experience the same thing after they've lost a loved one. You are not the first, and definitely not the last.-she said.

-I know that, but it isn't really helping me, is it?-I asked her with a small smile.

-That's only because you're the only one who can do it. No one can help you but yourself. And you know that. That's why you left the FBI, that's why you don't keep in touch with your friends, and that's why you're here. You are working on fixing yourself. It's a working progress. It takes time.-she said. I know.

**Ok, so Aoife is a long way from home. Or is she home? Eventually, she will reconnect with the team, but right now, she's on her own. Bear with me, it's going to get interesting. Read, follow, review, tell me what you think, and, like I always say, enjoy. :)**


	13. Chapter 13

_-What do you mean quit?-Hotch asked in surprise.-Why?-he asked. I know that the rest of the team was staring at us, but that didn't make me change my decision. I know what I have to do. I may not want it, but it has to be done. If I want to find myself again. I didn't even realize how lost I actually was till now. _

_-You were right, and I was wrong. I wasn't ready. I'm still not ready. I don't know if I will ever be. And I… I need to find that out. I'm guessing it will take me some time. So I quit. I will finish this case, but as soon as we get back, I'm giving you my gun and my badge. I am sorry. I really am. But this job is getting the best of me.-I said, and tears came streaming down my face.-And I need to salvage whatever's left.-I said. I could see in his face that he does not want me to do this. Hell, I don't want to do this. But it really needs to be done. I need to run away. I need to run away from everything that makes me me, in order to find the real me. This may turn out to be a catastrophic decision, but it may also save my life. _

_-Alright.-Hotch said with a nod.-I understand what you are saying. And you are probably right. But I need you to know, whatever happens, you will always have a place in this team. And we will expect you to return.-he said. God, he only made me feel even worse than I already felt! _

_-I can't promise you that.-I admitted quietly. _

_-Then promise me you will at least try.-he said. I took a deep breath. _

_-I promise.-I said. And I walked away, before he could make me promise anything else. I avoided eye contact with the rest of the team. They all hear what I've said, and I could just feel there stairs on me. When I couldn't avoid it anymore, I looked up, and made eye contact with Morgan. And to my surprise, there wasn't much disbelief in his look. Sure, there was shock, but no surprise. _

_They all knew I was rolling off of a hill. And that realization made me feel even worse. _

-Why not?-Jamie asked me, and I laughed.-Look, you know I'm joking when I ask you to go home with me, don't you?-he asked. God, that boy's persistent. If he continues, I actually may give in some day.

-Yes, I know. And where are you going with this?-I asked and leaned in on the table.

-Because, I'm not joking about all of it.-he said with a smile.-Would I say no if you were to hit on me? Hell no!-he said, and I laughed.-But you know that I'm a good guy. And I would love to take you out for dinner sometime. You're not a one-time girl.-he said. Well, he at least made me smile.

-I'm not, am I?-I asked, and he shook his head. I smiled.-I'll show you something.-I said, and I reached down to pull my necklace out of my shirt.-See this? This is an engagement ring.-I said, and I showed him the ring Mick gave me. It was hanging on the necklace, not on my finger anymore.

-You're engaged?-Jamie asked in complete surprise.

-Technically, no. I was dating this guy when I was in the States. Really good guy. Welsh, good looking, kind, honest, funny. Made me laugh every day. And he could handle me. See, I wasn't always this fun. Sure, I was fun, occasionally. But the truth is, I was as damaged as it gets. And he fixed me. He loved me and he fixed me. So when he asked me to marry him, I said yes. Days before our wedding, he died.-

-Shit, Aoife, I'm so sorry.-Jamie said, and I could see the honesty in his face. I smiled.

-Don't be. It's not like it's your fault.-I said with a smile, and I took a deep breath.-His death was the thing that finished me off. Threw me of the deep end. It's been seven months since it happened. Well, seven months and five days, to be exact. And I'm not ready just yet.-I said with a small smile.

-Believe me, if I knew, I would never have pushed it.-he said, and I laughed.

-Relax Jamie. You're not bothering me. What girl doesn't like to be liked? But like I said, I'm not ready. The only reason I'm not wearing this ring on my finger is because I work as bartender. But in my mind, I'm still with Mick. You're a good guy, but I'm just not the right girl. But I'll tell you what. If there comes a day when I decide to get back out there, you will be the first guy I call.-I said with a smile.

-You do that.-he smiled.-Even if I'm married.-he added, and I almost died of laughter.

-Yeah, with that MO, there's no doubt in my mind you'll have a wife.-I said sarcastically.

-MO?-he asked, and I just shook my head, not really wanting to explain. He doesn't know my past.

-American thing.-I said, and he rolled his eyes. I laughed, and went back to do my work. No one here knows what I used to do for a living. Only my grandparents and Sarah. When Joseph asked, I told him I was an up and coming actress. I'm not sure why I didn't tell him the truth, but it just didn't seem like the right thing to do. At least they don't ask me about my job. I guess that being a struggling actress isn't as near as fun as being an FBI agent and profiler. And I prefer it that way.

Tonight was just a regular night, up until I came home and opened my e mail. There it was. JJ.

Hey Aoife.

It's just me, JJ, checking in on you. You still didn't respond to any of my previous mails, but I'm hoping that you at least read them.

Henry's really growing up fast. He's almost five months old now. I guess time flies when you have a small child on your hands.

The team's doing well. Garcia and Kevin are still very much in love. Spencer is thinking about getting yet another PhD. Morgan and Emily are doing well too. Dave still misses you, but he's not going to push it.

Hotch is going through a rough time right now. I wrote to you all about The Reaper, and his attack. And ever since Haley and Jack are in the protective custody, Hotch is not himself. But who can blame him?

Crimes are still happening, but that will never change, will it?

Basically, it's all the same. I'm working again, and that's the only change since the last mail.

Please Aoife. Just tell me you're doing all right. We miss you, every day.

At least tell me how's Ireland? Just, give me something. Please.

Love, JJ.

She attached a photo of Henry to the file. I was so happy to see her little boy growing up, but at the same time, I was sad because I'm not there to see that in person.

I've read every single mail she sent me, and I never answered. But now, I suddenly changed my mind.

Dear JJ,

Here I am. Writing back. What made me change my mind, I'm not sure. Probably the picture of Henry.

He's adorable. I just feel so bad about not being there, to spoil him rotten. I'd like to be auntie Aoife.

I feel really bad about the whole Reaper situation. I wish I could do something to help. If you let the team know that I responded, please, tell him that he should call me if he needs anything. It's one thing to distance myself from the hectic way of life that I used to live, and another to turn your back to a friend in need.

If you tell them about this, tell them I said hi. And tell them I love you all, very much. Because I do. If I had a choice, I wouldn't have gone down this road. I know it may seem like I had a choice. I could have stayed, worked, continued. But if I did that, who knows how I would end up like?

The job was getting to me. When you count the number of the ones who are killed, and compare it to the number of those we have saved, it's not nearly the same. Convincing myself that we're doing the right thing and helping people was a whole lot easier with Mick by my side. Once I lost him, I started doubting everything, even our job.

I promised Hotch that I will do my best, and return once I fix myself. At this point, I'm not sure that I will ever be able to go back again. At least not to the job.

Ireland is as beautiful as I remembered. I love it here. And I think you would love it to. I'm working as a bartender in a local pub. I guess you didn't see that one coming, did you? And I'm going to therapy. So far, it's been helpful. But what will happen next, who knows?

I love you guys with all my heart. But once in my life, I need to put myself first.

Kiss Henry for me.

Love, auntie Aoife :)


	14. Chapter 14

-So, you answered JJ's mail?-Sarah asked, after I told her what had happened last night with contacting JJ. I think it was important information. For 6 months now, I had no contact with anyone of them. Like I said, I didn't even reply to JJ's mails. I literally cut all of my connections to the life I lived in D. C. Well, in the States actually, since my mother probably doesn't even know I'm here. I distanced myself as much as I could. And last night was the first time that I tried to reconnect in any way. After half a year.

-I did. And don't ask me why, since I don't know.-I added with a smile, and she laughed. I'm sure it's not easy. In a way, she's a profile, like me. And a profiler trying to profile a profiler is never an easy task.-She almost begged me to tell her anything about myself, so that she could know that I'm alright. And she did mention that our team leader was having a really bad time. It made me want to tell her that I'm doing ok here, and that I will help Hotch if he needs my help. Which is incredibly ironic, considering that he's probably thinking that he needs me there with the rest of the team.-I said. I feel even worse about that.

-And what did JJ say to that?-Sarah asked me. I didn't check my inbox since I sent that mail to her.

-She probably didn't reply yet, but I didn't stick around to check.-I admitted. As much as she's having a hard time understanding me, I have a hard time deceiving her, lying to her. So I don't even try.

-And what about Hotch, you mentioned she said he's going through a bad time?-she asked.

-A couple years ago, there was a serial killer in Boston. Called himself The Reaper. As a former FBI agent, I hate to admit, but he was smart. Really smart. He disguised himself as a survivor of his own attack. He viciously injured himself to make it believable. And for years, the case remained unsolved. Hotch took that one personally, I'm still not sure why. But, The Reaper, or George Foyet took personal interest of Hotch too. Most of this I know only from JJ's mails. Since most of it happened after I left. Foyet almost killed a team member, Derek. They barely managed to catch him, but he escaped. And after a while, he resurfaced. Attacked Hotch, stabbed him countless times, and yet, he drove him to the hospital, to make sure he survives. Because of his personal vendetta against Hotch, his ex-wife and son had to go into protective custody. And I know how much Hotch was attached to them. I'm sure that not knowing about his son's whereabouts is killing him, and that is exactly what Foyet wanted to accomplish.-I explained.

-You know a lot about it considering that it happened after you left.-Sarah noticed.

-I cut off any contacts with them. JJ didn't. She wrote to me every single week since I left, sometimes even a couple times a weak. That's how I know so much.-I said.

-Did you try to profile this serial killer?-she asked. Oh, I know where she's going with this one.

-Not by the book, no.-I answered.-It's in my nature to at least think about the significance of his behavior. I was good at my job. I noticed those kinds of things by default.-I said with a small smile.

-Did you like your job? No, did you love your job?-she asked.

-Most of the time, I did. I was doing the right thing. And I was doing it with my team. What we did is not something just anyone can do. But, there were times when I just hated it. There was this one case. The boy's name was Adam. He got abducted by two teenage boys. We were called in immediately, since 99 % of child abductions result in murder in the first day. The body was found the next day. He was beaten, sexually assaulted, and left to die. Did I mention he was 4?-I asked, and Sarah's mouth dropped.-Yeah, that's the kind of reaction people usually have. But not us. We were shocked, we were enraged, but we showed no emotion, whatsoever. We caught the two boys. I was interrogating one of them. I flirted with him in order to gain his trust. It worked, and it worked very fast. I know I was doing the right thing. I needed that confession. I couldn't help the family anymore. Their child was dead. But I could at least find out what happened. I guessed that in that moment I started doubting myself, and my job. Do we really do good? Or are we just there to make materials for books, TV shows, movies…-I said.

-Is that the reason why you left? Think about it, deep down? Admit it to yourself if you have to.-she said.

-It was one of the reasons. I was not good at getting over Mick, and there were those imaginations. And I guess that my job and the things I see while I'm doing it was a cherry on top.-I said.

-Do you ever consider going back? Returning to your old life? To your old job?-she asked. There it was. The question everyone wanted to ask me, but didn't dare. At least until now.

-Not now. Not yet. I have a life there, I know it. But I also built I life for me here. It took me less than six months. I have friends, I have a job, I have a family. The same thing I had there. And I'm laughing a whole lot more. My team was like my family to me. They still are. But that place wasn't healthy for me. Not anymore. The cases we were on were just getting even more horrific. Behind every single corner was a memory of Mick, just waiting for me. I was thinking about him almost all the time. I was still in the house where we lived together. Everything reminded me of him. It still smelled like him. If I stayed, I would lose my mind. I'm pretty sure of it. And here… I don't think about him all the time. I think about him every day. Every time I lean and my necklace sways. I think about him more often than I should, but I at least don't do it all the time. I'm happy here. Do I miss my team? Yes, very much so. But I don't miss people looking at me like I'm a ticking time bomb about to explode. When I told Hotch my decision, the team was blindsided. But I could see in their eyes that they saw it coming. That doesn't make me question their loyalty, or love. But it makes me question myself. So I'm not going back there. Not yet. I probably will someday. Maybe just for a visit, not for a while. But even if I decide to return for good, I highly doubt that I will join the FBI again. I can deal with the nightmares, but that's where it ends.-I said. It was difficult to admit it. And sad in a way. But I had to say it out loud. I don't know if anything anymore can make me return to my old job. Maybe being a bartender isn't the best job in the world, but I at least don't have to see dead people. Smell that awful smell, try to help families who lost everything and talking to the sickest people this world has seen.

-You're issues go way back Aoife.-Sarah said, and I nodded. That's for sure.-I learned FBI terminology from you, so I can guess you would say that Mick's death was your trigger. It made you feel bad about your job and yourself. I think that you need to start dating again.-she said. I blinked, repeatedly.

-Excuse me?-I asked, hoping that I didn't understand her well.

-I'm not saying you should meet a guy, fall in love and ride out into the sunset with him.-Sarah said with a small smile.-But I think that putting you in a not so familiar situation would be productive. You said so yourself, Mick and you didn't exactly go out on dates, and you're previous relationships were of similar character. I think you should go out with someone, have a bit of awkward fun.-she said with a smile.

It made sense. Putting me out of my comfort zone will give results, but I'm not sure whether they will be good, or horrible. But she knows what she's talking about. I hope so.

-I'll think about it.-I said with a small smile. Out of all of the stupid things I did in my entire life, and I have to admit, there were plenty of them, going out on a date with someone will probably be the most stupid thing of them all. The stupidest it gets.


	15. Chapter 15

I've decided not to go on that date that Sarah had suggested. I'm sure she knows what she's saying, but I'm not ready for it. Not just yet. Even when I know that it would be just a stupid date, I'm still not ready.

It was almost 4 AM when I finally arrived home. Even though I was on the verge of falling asleep, I first turned my computer, to check the mail. I guess I knew, on some sort of subconscious level, that JJ will reply to my mail. That was the first time I responded, and she will try to continue the conversation.

Aoife,

You were right, I didn't see that one coming. But in a way, I can imagine you being yourself there. The important thing is that you're happy, no matter what you do for a living. At least to me.

I'm really sad you're not here to watch Henry grow up. And in the same time, I completely understand. You had to do that in order to help yourself. We miss you here, and we miss you a lot, but we get it. And I'm not saying this to make you feel worse, that is not my intention. I'm just saying that in case you forgot. You will always have a family here, even if your half way across the planet. No matter where you are, what you say and what you do, to us, you will always be a part of this team.

Even if you decide never to return. To be honest, I don't care if you return to the team, I just want you here. If you can't do it anymore, it's understandable. You're not the first person who couldn't do it anymore. Just return. Even for a visit. You used to have a life here. And your change of career doesn't have to change that. It's not like we wouldn't be friends anymore if you're not on the team.

Just answer me. Tell me you may come back someday. If not for good, than just for a visit.

I'm sending you a profile. I know very well that you don't want to do that, but do it for me. Just take a look at it. We're missing something, something crucial. And you may just realize what that is. Just read it, and tell me if you found something. We need to find this son of a bitch before he ruins Hotche's life for good. It will take you minutes, and it actually might help a lot.

I didn't tell them that you answered. I didn't want to make things even worse. And they know you still love and care for them, as much as we do for you. That's a given, and it doesn't need proofing.

I miss you. Answer me, pleas. And look at the file.

Love, JJ.

I sighed. When she wrote she knows that I don't want to do it, she had no idea just how much I don't want to do it. That's on top of my Things I never want to do again list. But she asked me. And she's a former colleague, a friend, and someone I respect very, very much. If she asks me for a favor, I'll do it.

I made my way to the study room, on the second floor of the house. I should feel weird about living with my grandparents, but I don't. They're cool, they understand, and they live in a great house. Based on their net worth, I could probably quit, and not to anything for the rest of my life, and I'd still have a pretty interesting life. Luckily for their bank account, I'm a girl who can provide for herself.

I turned the computer in the study room, and as soon as I could, I logged on my mail account, and started printing the file JJ attached.

This really was a bad one. I've heard about The Reaper. I've even studied him. I know the things that he did, and that makes it even more difficult for me to pick up the papers out of the printer, and start reading. I didn't do it. I've printed everything, stapled it together, turned off the computer, and went back to my room. JJ asked me to do it, and I will do it. But not tonight. For a first time, in a very long time, nightmares are avoiding me, and I don't want to jump start them. Not just yet.

It was a workday, so it was pretty slow in the pub tonight. Just a couple of regulars. I took that to my advantage, and I sat in the corner, going through the paper's JJ sent me. I wasn't much good though. I didn't forget how it's done, but I didn't really find anything they already didn't. I was lost. This guy is very smart, and he plans every single move he makes. If the team gets a lead or realize something that may help them, he will know it. This looks to me like an never ending chase.

Still, everyone makes mistakes. I know that. Even the worst criminals make a mistake that will lead to their capture. Sure, we didn't catch every single serial killer. And we sure as hell didn't stop most of them before it was too late, but they do make mistakes. It's a given.

Foyet must have done something unplanned, something that will lead the team to him. Something that I need to realize. I'm a fresh pair of eyes, and that's why JJ sent me this. But the thing is, I'm not so sure I got it in me. Like I said, I didn't forget how to do my old job. It's just that I don't want to do it anymore. And that is really holding me back now that I have to do it.

I sight and took a sip of beer. Then I looked back at the photographs. The guy butchered himself just so that he can enjoy the attention. And he was able to be on a cooling off period for years. He's a sick bastard and he' smart. Capable. Patient. In my experience, that is a very lethal combination.

Jamie was making his way to me, and I turned the page. He shouldn't see the crime scene photos. Sadly enough, he saw that I was obviously trying to hide something from him.

-Why so secretive?-he asked, and I just smiled.-What are you doing?-he asked. I sighed.

-Work.-I admitted.-A former colleague of mine asked me to help her, so I'm doing it.-I said, without revealing too much details. He still thinks that I used to be a struggling actress.

-Will you finally tell me what you really did back home?-he asked. Damn, he's really good.

-You're good.-I said, and he shrugged. It made me laugh.-You would probably be good at my former job. I used to be an FBI agent.-I admitted. I knew he would doubt that. It's not something you hear every day.

-You're kidding, right?-he asked, and I reached for my bag. I still kept my identification in my wallet. The thing is, now it said Former FBI Agent. So that people know I only used to be the real deal.-Wow. You really were an FBI agent.-he said, and I laughed. I know. I look more like a struggling actress.

-Yup. I was an FBI agent. In the behavior analysis unit. How can I explained?-I asked myself when I saw the look on his face.-I wasn't working undercover operations or anything like that. My team and I were usually tracking down serial killers. Based on their way of working and choice of victims. But, as you can see, that didn't really work out for me.-I added with a small smile. That one was quite obvious.

-So you were an FBI agent, and now you're working as a bartender. Why?-he asked.

-I could only take so much. After a while, you lose it. At least I did. With my fiancées death and my job getting the best of me, I just couldn't do it anymore.-I said.

-Well, you're doing it now.-he noticed.

-Only as a personal favor.-I answered. How many times will I have to repeat that to myself?!-This guy is really bad. Like, beyond bad. Every minute he's out there… and the only thing they can do is track the medicine he needs to buy.-I said quietly. That really isn't much.

-Aoife?-he asked, and I looked at him. He looked… confused.-I work at a pharmacy. And there are plenty of drugs that can be switched. You can get the same results with different drugs.-he said. Oh my God.

-You think he could be replacing the drugs he needs with something else?-I asked.

-Yes.-he said, with complete certainty.-It's simple. Are they tracking the medicine that gives the same result like the one he needs?-he asked.

-I don't think so.-I said and I started going through the papers again.-He needs plenty of them. Like, a whole cocktail. And they're not tracking the ones with similar affects… Jamie, you might have just helped me catch one of the worst serial killers America and even the world have ever seen.-I said with a small smile, and I jumped to hug him. As soon as I let him go, I was making my way towards the door.-Joe, I have an emergency.-I said and he just nodded.

-Aoife, where are you going?-Jamie yelled and I stopped.

-I need to contact them.-I said. And I ran out.

**Ok guys, that's it for chapter 15. I'm not sure if I will update today, or tomorrow, because I have a lot of work to do. I'm finishing high school, and I'm getting ready for my entrance exam for collage. Surprise, surprise, I'm going to study literature :D. I'll update as soon as I can. Enjoy lovelies :)**


	16. Chapter 16

JJ,

I read the file. For a while, I had no idea what I was missing. And then it got to me. I think I actually might be onto something. Just give me some time. A day. Because I THINK that I MIGHT be onto something. I have no idea whether I'm right or not. Just give me some time. As soon as I'm sure, I'll let you know.

Aoife.

As soon as I send the mail, I ran back downstairs, with the papers in my hand. Grams and gramps were watching some stupid late night show, and they both jumped when I came charging in.

-Do we have a board?-I asked, while struggling to catch my breath. I was running around ever since Jamie opened my eyes. I think I've never been so pressured to think this fast.

-A board?-my grandfather asked, and I nodded.-What kind of board are you talking about?-he asked.

-You know, the white one. Well, I usually worked with a see through one, but I'm talking about the white board, you write with markers on it… You know, even a school board would be awesome. A school board and some chalk. Just something I can work with.-I said with a smile, hoping they have it.

-Why on Earth would we have a board in our house?-my grams asked. Well, hope's down the drain.

-How should I know? I had one in my place? In Cambridge, in London, in New York and in D. C.-I said.

-Well, you're you.-gramps said. I would laugh, but I'm in a bit of a rush.-Why do you need it?-he asked.

-I need to spread all of these papers.-I said, and I waved with papers I held in my hand.-And I need to make notes. I need a board. I'm helping them on a case.-I said, once I realized that I couldn't avoid the explanation any more. They will realize, or they will guess, and I might as well just tell them.

-I'm sorry honey, but we don't have a board.-my grams said with a small smile. Well, fuck.

-Ok. I need to think of something.-I said, and I looked around the room. Then it dawned on me.-Would it be inconvenient if I took down that painting and write on the wall?-I asked. My grandparents were just staring at me.-I promise you, I will paint over it myself if I have to.-I said. Well, I practically begged.

-Oh, just do it.-gramps said, and I ran over to them, and hugged them. They must really love me.

-I'm going to need your help.-I said, and they nodded. Gramps, you'll help me with the painting. Grams, please, bring me markers and tape or something which can stick the papers to the wall.-I said, and they both nodded. Not only are they letting me ruin their living room, they're helping me in doing that.

Gramps and I put the painting on the floor, and I started going through the papers.-Look, what I'm about to do is not nice. I don't want you to hear or see this. This guy is sick.-I said in a low voice.

-You need help, don't you?-my grams asked quietly. She's right. I really need the help.

-I do, but I don't want you to pay that price for me.-I said quietly. I think they don't really understand it.

-That is our choice to make.-grandpa said, and grams nodded. They are as headstrong as I am.

-Ok.-I said, and they both smiled.-Now, let's do this.-I announced.

They were dealing with it a lot better than I have expected. And when I asked them about it, they said that they're pretending like the victims aren't actual victims, but actors with heavy make-up.

I taped the papers to the wall in order, and then I started drawing. Connecting one paper with the other, and on one part of the wall, I wrote down all of the aliases he was using. There must be some connection between them. I couldn't really use a map, because it was certain he wasn't in Boston anymore. I need to locate him. And right now, I don't know how. This is very urgent, but I'm not sure whether I should ask Jamie to make a list of medications that can be used instead of the ones Foyet used. I'm not even officially on the case. Hell, I'm not even an agent anymore!

My grandparents went to sleep after a while, but I was still up, staring at the wall, trying to figure out anything that can help me, in case the drug trail doesn't lead me where I need it to.

When I opened my eyes, I realized that at some point I feel asleep. On the floor. Dammit. I should have worked on this the whole night. But, at least I'll be fresh now. I made myself coffee, and called Sarah to cancel today's session. Thankfully, she didn't ask me why. I would hate the explanation part.

I focused all of my attention to the wall I used as a board. I'm still not getting it. And I don't know why.

My grandparents didn't bother me, and I was thankful. They knew I needed to focus on this. They just kept bringing me more coffee. Too bad I'm getting dangerously low on cigarettes.

-Aoife?-my grams called me sometime before noon.-Joseph called. You left some stuff, and your cell at the bar. And he mentioned he might need your help today.-she said. Crap! Crap! Crap!

-Why now?-I whined for myself.-Ok, leave this stuff here, don't move anything, please.-I said, and she nodded.-I'll take a shower and go to the pub. I'll work a few hours, and I'll work on the case too.-I said.

The only reason I didn't blew Joe off is because he's a good guy. He may need my help today, and I'm going to help him if he does. My mind will still be looking at the wall of the living room, but I'll help him.

I showered and got ready for work. I didn't have time to loose, so I just put mascara and eyeliner. And my hair was still slightly curly. I put on my gray skinny jeans, a white sleeveless shirt, and an unbuttoned checkerboard shirt over it. And convers. I literally ran out to the care, and drove to downtown Drogheda as fast as I could, only stopping to buy cigarettes. And I was still thinking about the case.

The pub was full, and I immediately saw why Joe needed my help. So I forgot about the case for a little bit, and went into the bartender mode. I was even able to laugh. I don't know why and I don't know how. Sadly, I know that Foyet will be there in a couple of hours.

-Aoife!-Shane called, and I turned around.-Volume up please.-he said, and I smiled. I was hoping someone would ask that, since Metallica's The day that never comes was playing on the radio. I turned the volume up, and went back to getting beer for another guest.

-You know, beer tastes much better when you're the bartender.-Mike, a 22-year-old regular said in a very flirty way, and I laughed. I never really had a type, but younger guys sure aren't my thing.-Wow, talk about not fitting in.-he said with a smile, and nodded toward the door. I couldn't even move.

JJ, Emily, Spencer and Derek were here. They looked around and Derek was the first one who noticed me. I could read absolutely nothing from his facial expression. But I could read Emily's and Spencer's.

Derek was a guy who can't be surprised with many things, and JJ already knew where I was and what I was doing. But Spencer and Emily had no idea until now. And I could see a look of surprise on them.

I can only imagine how I look to them. My hair is the same length, but it's darker. I'm dying it in a darker brown color for a couple of months now. My style has changed to. They were used to seeing me in formal attire, maybe jeans and t shirts. But right now, I looked like a girl next door.

One of us is bound to make the first move. And chances are, I won't be the one doing it. It's been six months. If they hate me, I can't blame them. And there is the fact that I don't want to return. When all that crossed my mind, I could only stay in place. Like frozen, looking at them, and barely noticing the music and chatter in the background. If life was a movie, that would be a good soundtrack.

**Guess who's back? :) What will Aoife do next? Will she return to the team, or will she continue living the laidback life she enjoyed so much? I'll update tomorrow. And as you could guess, The day that never comes is song of the day for me :D Read, review and enjoy :)**


	17. Chapter 17

I have no idea for how long we were just staring at each other. Even though I thought I won't be the one making the first move, I wiped my wet hands on the shirt that was tied around my waist. I was just about to walk over to them, when JJ decided to make her way through and came over to me.

-It's really good to see you.-she said, with tears in her eyes. And she pulled me in for a hug before I had a chance to say anything. It was my turn to speak once she finally let me go out of her tight grip.

-Hi.-I said quietly. That was all I could manage. Not only am I in shock to see them here, but I'm in shock with the fact that half a year actually passed since the last time I saw them. And the only thing that changed was me. They were all exactly the same as I remembered. I'm the only one who had changed.

Emily, Derek and Spencer mad their way to us too. Emily was happy to see me, and I could see in her eyes that she doesn't hold anything against me. Spencer was pretty much the same way, although he was not as happy to see me as Emily was. And Derek… Derek was a whole different story. If anyone of them hates me, that's Derek. I'm not sure if hate is the right word, but he's definitely not happy.

-Hi.-I said quietly, again. Emily smiled and hugged me, and so did Spencer. But Derek just nodded.-It's not that it bothers me, but I didn't exactly expect you here.-I said quietly. I'm pretty sure that most of the people in the pub are stating at us. I obviously know them, and they don't exactly fit in. Derek in his tight shirt, Spencer in his sweater, and JJ and Emily in their pants and suits. God, I really did change a lot.

-You said in your mail that you think you might be onto something.-JJ said. I can't believe it.

-JJ, I think I emphasized the fact that I'm not sure whether I'm onto something, or it's just my mistake.-I said. Angry wasn't the word, but I didn't really like the fact that she didn't listen to me. I'm not her boss, and she doesn't need to listen to me, but she asked me for a favor, and I thought I was doing the same thing.-And you just flew to Ireland because I might have a hunch?-I asked in disbelief.

-To be fair, when it comes to profiling, your hunches are usually very correct.-Spence said with a smile.

-Hunch. Hunch! I needed time to be sure of it. I still might be wrong.-I said. Wow. I'm being a bitch right now, but it's not without a cause. They know I'm not well, especially JJ. They knew I needed my comfort zone, and still, they didn't give a damn. The only reason I'm happy to see them is because I love them!

-I'm really sorry, but you know this one is urgent.-Derek said, speaking for the first time.-When it comes to Foyet, we don't have the time to think by ourselves. We think as a team.-he said. Wow, that's a slap.

-And I am not a part of any team.-I said quietly. Great. When I said it, I didn't think about it nearly enough. JJ and Emily were both obviously hurt by my words.-I'm not in the bureau any more, and that's it. There are two reasons behind me reading the damn file. One, JJ asked me. Two, Hotch's life might be in danger. That's good enough for me. So I will help. But things are not like they used to be. They probably never will be like that, ever again. And I beg of you, don't try the team tactic on me. I know what you're doing, I know how it works. I may not be a profiler anymore, but some things stick to you, and basic manipulation won't just do the trick in this situation.-I said. Pissed was a word that suited me in this very moment. Morgan was being ungrateful. I know that I was a bitch. I know I didn't give them any explanation other than the "I need to do this for myself". I know I didn't keep in touch, and I know that all of that hurt them. But I'm doing the best I can here. Only two days ago, I was completely sure that I will never work a profile, ever again. I don't think that Morgan should praise me and be eternally grateful, but at least he can control his emotions for a little bit. I'm not the bad guy here, not by definition at least. I did what I had to do. I put myself first. Yes, I did, and I'm not ashamed of it. I did it in order to grow up, heal myself, and continue with my life in the most normal way possible. So if I'm waving a white flag over here, he sure as hell won't try and burn it. I'm not going to let him.

-Hey, why don't we all just calm down and focus on what's important here.-Emily said in a low voice.

-And I think we're drawing to much attention.-JJ said. She was right. Morgan and I were arguing. Yes, it was quiet, but obviously not quiet enough, since every single person in the pub was staring at us.

-Why don't you take a seat, and I will join you in a minute?-I asked, and they nodded. They went to find a table in the secluded corner, and I returned back behind the bar. Joseph saw the whole thing.

-What happened?-he asked. I guess I didn't look so peachy.-Who are those people?-he asked me.

-My former colleagues.-I answered quietly, so that no one else could hear us.-They need some help from me, and it's urgent. I need to talk to them.-I said. I hope he isn't made because I'm bailing on him. He may need me behind the bar, but I think that my former team needs me just a little bit more than Joe.

-You were never an actress, were you?-he asked. He's a smart man. I doubt he ever really believed it.

-No.-I admitted.-But I didn't do anything bad. Quite the opposite, actually. I will tell you everything, but they really need me now.-I said. If he makes a problem out of this, I'll quit. I did it before, didn't I?

-Sure, you go help them.-he said, and I smiled.-And I know you're a good girl. If you don't want to, you don't have to tell me anything. As far as I know, they worked on a film with you.-he said with a smile.

-Thank you Joe.-I said with a smile. I looked over to the table where they were sitting. They were all looking my way. It might not seem like it, but they're my guests. And if there's one thing I don't lack, that's hospitality. So I filled five beer mugs with Guinness, and I made my way towards them.

-So? Do you have any new leads?-I said as I took a seat next to Emily.-I was staring at the files you sent me, but I couldn't figure out anything new.-I admit it. Do I feel bad about it? Sure I do. But it's not exactly my fault if Foyet attacked again during these two days. At least I know I did my very best.

-All we know is that he's in Virginia.-Spencer said. I frowned.

-How do you know that?-I asked, before taking a sip of my beer.

-He sent two letters, from two different towns, located in Virginia.-JJ said, and I frowned even more.

-I don't think he's there. He wouldn't be the first killer who drove miles to send a letter. It's Foyet we're talking about. He knows what he's doing. I think he's in D. C.-I said.

-What makes you say that?-Derek asked. Well, at least he wasn't mean like he was minutes ago.

-He stayed in Boston to watch that detective fall apart. He's a sick bastard. He doesn't just want to do the bad things, he wants to enjoy them in every possible way. He hurt Hotch. He's a danger to his family. And he knows Hotch very well, which means he knows what Haley and Jack are to him. This may be a poor choice of words, but it makes sense to me that he stuck around to see Hotch fall apart. And if he's in D. C., he would have the first row tickets to the show.-I said. It was in their faces, I could read it easily. They knew I was right. And so did I. I put a lot of thought before I said anything. I needed to be sure.

-How did we not see it?-Emily asked quietly.

-Oh, that one's at least simple.-I said with a small smile, and they all looked at me.-It has nothing to do with your capability, or anything like that. You know that you're the best BAU team the FBI has. The best in the world. And you put all your efforts into catching him. Now, I'm not there with you. I'm here, a long way from the action. And with a cleared head. I focused on understanding him, not catching him. And if I'm right about this, that the one thing will lead to the other.-I said.

-Is that the thing you found out, but were not sure of?-Morgan asked, and I frowned.

-Actually, no.-I said, and I took a deep breath.-A friend of mine noticed the papers, and I explained everything to him. I mentioned that the only thing you can do for now is track the medicine he needs. And Jamie, my friend, is a pharmacist. He said that there are plenty of drugs that give you the same results. He is positive that Foyet could have switched the drugs he needed.-I said. They all stared.

-And it's not possible that every single medication has a twin one.-Spencer said. He was talking very fast.-There has to be at least one that he can't switch.-he said.

-I'll call Garcia and tell her to check that out.-JJ said, taking her cell out of her purse.

-What do we do next?-Emily asked. She asked Morgan.-You're the boss, it's your call.-she said. She said it in a normal tone, not like she was pissed about it. It took me a couple seconds before I realized. Morgan is the new team leader. JJ mentioned that Strauss was thinking Hotch isn't doing well as a leader anymore. Wow. That's very different. Morgan, the leader? Well, I'd expect him to be good at it. He's a born leader. It's just strange not seeing Hotch in charge anymore.

-We need to get back to D. C.-he said, and the next second, all of them turned their eyes to me. Oh shit.

They want me to come back with them. I know it, I can see it in them. They need me on this one. They really do. If they didn't, they wouldn't have come all the way to Drogheda. But I don't want to go.


	18. Chapter 18

No, no, no, God no! This is literally the last thing I want to do. And I might just have to do it. Oh God no!

-Girl, what's it gonna be?-Morgan asked me. I have never been in a bigger dilemma in my entire life. I really don't want to work as an agent, ever again. But there still is loyalty in me. Loyalty to these people.

-Only because of Hotch.-I said, but they all smiled, and Emily started hugging me. I knew this was going to happen, as soon as I decided to go. They won't understand. They won't get that this is just a one-time thing. As soon as Foyet is either in prison, or dead, I'll be heading back here, to my own little heaven.

-We need to get going.-JJ said with a smile.-This is the first time we actually might be ahead of him.-

-I need to go home first. You can follow me.-I said.-Wait for me outside, I need to talk to the boss.-I said. I'm pretty sure it was strange for me to say Joe is my boss, and not Hotch. But it isn't strange to me.

-Joe, I have to ask you a favor.-I said, and he nodded.-I got to go, maybe for a couple of days.-I said in a low voice.-I wouldn't be asking if it wasn't important. It's literally a matter of life or death.-I whispered. I don't need anyone else hearing and knowing just how big is the problem I'm in. No one should know.

-Take as much time as you need.-he said with a small smile.-There will always be a place for you in my pub, but I guess you need to do what you do best.-he said. I hugged him and I left the pub.

-Follow me, it will only take a couple of minutes.-I said to JJ and Morgan. Emily and Spence were already in the cars. I wasn't surprised when JJ decided to ride with me. I kind of expected it.

Chemicals between us by Bush was playing. I was avoiding talking to JJ, so I sang along. It's not the nicest thing I could do, but I want to postpone the conversation for as long as I can.

-You've changed. A lot.-she noticed. I know she means that I changed my physical appearance. She didn't even have a chance to see how much I changed as a person. And I did change a lot. I look far more laidback than I used to. And as far as the mental thing goes, I've never been so relaxed in my entire life.

Sure, I'm still messed up. Mick is still a huge part of my life, and I didn't really moved on from that, even if it doesn't control my life like it used to. I didn't have a chance to fix everything that needed fixing, but if I had the time, I might have done it. At least my life doesn't consist only on the horrific cases I used to work on. I know that it's still out there. Sick minds hurting the innocent. But at least I don't get to see it.

Until now that is. Because I'm falling right to the center of it, yet again.

-People change JJ.-I said with a small smile, which she returned.-I'm aware of the fact that you're not used to me being like this, but I feel good. After a long time, I feel comfortable.-I said quietly.

-Do you think that you leaving the FBI made you feel better?-she asked. There was no accusation in her voice, just plain curiosity. Thank God. I think I could handle everyone else in the world judging me, but not her. Not JJ. I'm not sure at which point it happened, but I'm evidently closer to her than I am with the rest of my former team. They are all family, but she is like a twin sister. And Dave is literally family, so I don't count him. And if they are still my family, I'm something like a long lost sibling.

-Not just that.-I said. Well, if we're gonna talk, I might as well be completely honest with her.-That place I'm returning to right now was just bad for me. You know it, I don't need to go into details. Memory of Mick was haunting me, and so were our cases. I think that was going on for quite some time, even before Mick's death. And I didn't really realize that until I left. I feel liberated. Do I miss you? Of course I do. I might be a bit more selfish than I should, but I'm not a robot.-I said.

-Aoife, no one is blaming you.-she said, and I let out a snort.

-Yeah, and the thing back at the pub was Morgan's way of being friendly, right?-I asked her.

-He was hurt. He still is. We all are. But we also understand. All of us, even Morgan. He just feels the need to say something, because he knows that none of us will. And you know his temper. He looks more hurt and angry than he actually is.-she said.

-It was not supposed to be this way. I was supposed to fix myself, and then come for a visit. And it would all be good. This whole situation is just a plain, old, train wreck.-I said. If Hotch and his family weren't in danger, this situation wouldn't end up like this. But I owe him. I owe him a lot. And even if I didn't, I would still be doing this. I'm a good person, and I would do almost anything for them. That's why I'm going back to my own personal hell. Even if it's just for a while.

-How are we going to deal with this?-I asked JJ as we were getting closer to the house.-I'm not an agent anymore. Will Strauss give you a hard time?-I asked. I don't want to leave them in trouble once I leave.

-I doubt it.-JJ reassured me.-She will understand that we need your help. And for all tense and purposes, you're just assisting us on a case. That is, unless you want to return to the FBI for good.-she added.

-I don't.-I said. Like I said, I'm going to be honest with her. I don't want to sugarcoat it, or give her false hope. I'm not doing that, and I think they should know it before we get on that plane.

-Ok. You're just assisting us then.-she said with a small smile. She was good in pretending. I know she would just abduct me this instant, and make me return to the team. But she respects my decision.

-Talk about dedication.-Emily said in shock as they were looking at the living room wall.

-Well hello there.-said my gramps in surprise when he saw most of my former team. They all exchanged friendly hugs. I guess Mick's death did some good.

I explained to gramps and grams what the hell is going on. I told them that I was leaving for a couple of days, tops. And I packed only my essentials. I almost forgot what it's like to have a go bag.

We were in a rush. Foyet isn't going to sit and wait for us. So Morgan was speeding as we drove to Dublin.

The moment I was back on the jet again, I felt like crying. But I managed to keep it together.

**Ok guys, I know this one's short, but I'm kind of going through a rough time, and like that isn't enough, writers block decided to strike again. I'll try to update tomorrow. Bear with me :)**


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